Me: We need a table of six for brunch, please
Hostess: No problem. Please have a seat. The wait should only be about eleven hours.
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“Will he ever wake up?”
He’s been in a coma for 3 weeks but watch this. *starts playing Pitbull*
*patient wakes up to turn off the music*
[first date]
me: don’t let her know you vocalise everything you think
her: what?
me: shit she knows
[colonizing Mars]
M:a:r:s
[parent/teacher conference]
Teacher: Your son is reading four levels above his classmates.
Me: [peeling Elmer’s Glue off my palm] What?
[Divorce court]
Her: I found his Twitter account. I want a divorce.
Judge: He was cheating?
Her: No, he was doing inspirational tweets.
I’m a girl that your mother could love. From a distance. Maybe you just show her a picture, and make a lot of shit up.
People who copy and paste jokes from facebook are idiots…
A few seconds ago • Comment • Like
Refrigerators are actually sentient beings, but we keep putting magnets on them, and erasing their memories.
oh you’re playing music at the beach?? you think your taste in music is superior to poseidon’s 24/7 ambient mixtape???
Me: don’t be hitting!
Her, 5: I didn’t hit him!
Him, 9: you threw a block at me!
Her, 5: yeah, but I missed!
Based on my date’s reaction, they should really call them “Unhappy Meals.”
My doctor said my cervix is perfect.
I’m still blushing.
idk why the paint store guy had to tell me not to drink it I’m not gonna drink paint my dude I mean maybe I’ll try a little to see what flavor it is ok yeah
The people who make sexy noises when they stretch are my kinda people.
Just ate the last slice of pizza and I wish there was more. Suddenly all of Taylor Swifts songs make sense to me.
Hamburgler: Success! Look at this amazing haul of these McDonald’s burgers!
Hamburgler’s Mum: *sobbing* Your brother is an architect.
Easiest and quickest way to get me to shut up, open my mouth and get on my knees is to simply make it rain Skittles.
Peanut Butter CEO: it’s taking too long to mix it, leave it lumpy
Me: umm
CEO: call it crunchy
Me: oh ok then we charge less
CEO: hahaha no
Got invited to a pool party tomorrow , time to dig out the ol’ leopard print Speedo
I get it grandma. I’m not sure what to do on Facebook either.
Whenever someone tells me how well behaved my kids are I say it’s cause they’re not at home.
To be fair to Justin Bieber if I had more than $75 I would act the way he does
[Job Interview]
Me: I promise to be dedicated to every day, reliable when depended on, and steadfastly devoted always. Nothing means more to me.
Job interviewer: Are you reading a love letter?
me: god I need a break from work
God: [creates pandemic]
me: not like that
If someone tells me, “no rush” then I’m basically never doing it.
It’s kinda hot to know that Santa’s watching.
A pirate dating app called, “Shiver Me Tinders”
My 9-month-old ate part of her sister’s math worksheet and now we’re waiting to see if she passes algebra.
Just had a goat’s cheese sandwich. Well, he should have put his name on it.