My husband asked what I was doing and my phone changed tweeting to twerking and now he has questions.
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i handle all my disagreements like an adult
dance off pants off karaoke
Me: *drinks tea*
Villain: haha! I have poisoned your drink!
Me: *starts drinking faster*
I hate that, you go to someone’s wedding and they’re asking “who invited you” my friend focus on your union and let me eat in peace
my uber driver watching me wander around the street aimlessly because i have no idea what a toyota crayola is
“I love it when we finish each other.”
“You mean: other’s sentences?”
“No.”
ME: will you *opens box* marry me
HER: is that a single peel n eat shrimp
ME: idk is that a yes
Husband: When I introduce you to my boss, please don’t be weird
Me: Me? Weird??
Husband: PLEASE
[ Later ]
Me, air kissing his boss’s hand: Bonjour
Him: This is the best sand castle I’ve ever built!
Her: We’re gonna die in this desert aren’t we?
Don’t regret past mistakes. All of your decisions, good and bad, led you to where you are today.
Disregard this if you are in prison.
Our son came home one day with
a note from his first grade teacher:Your son bit another boy today.
Is he getting enough to eat at home ?
Documentaries not only expand my world views, but also compel me to change my behavior for a solid 24-36 hours.
[Eating canned soup]
OMG I love sodium.
*walks down street*
*panties drop left and right*
*thinks, “shouldn’t have bought so many panties”*
*picks up panties*
*continues home*
*opening a bag of chips*
Librarian: Ma’am, you can’t have food in the library
Me: It’s my emotional support snack
fr
“Daddy will u tuck me in?:)”
“Ok”
*tucks him in*
“Daddy sing me a song:)”
“Ok”
*clears throat*
LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR LET THE BODIES H
I convinced my daughter (5) that the Roomba is her pet robot, so now she cleans him and feeds him. This is my greatest accomplishment as a parent. It can only go down from here.
I was 3 yrs old when my mom was diagnosed with my brother.
got up early enough to go on a 10 mile run, lift weights, and stretch before having a healthy breakfast, i mean i didn’t do any of that but i definitely got up early enough to
What idiot decided to call them koalas instead of awww-stralians?
The Tortoise and the Hare is a classic story about how people who like to run are awful.
I just misspelled a word so bad that auto correct blew milk out its nose.
[Eulogy]
Bicyclist’s Widow: He died doing what he loved; Shouting that he had the right of way.
If you read the bible in reverse, it’s about the world’s population killing each other until there’s only 2 people left, and then the woman pukes an apple and they both get naked.
Playing car dealership with my son, we rearranged the lot.
Somewhere, some Nigerian lawyer is wondering why you’re not sending him the personal information that he needs to give you your inheritance
[My first day as a detective]
Me: It’s one way glass he can’t see you. Just point at the killer.
Witness: All I can see is our reflection.
Me: Ah, ok. Everybody swap rooms.
Nothing like waking to a perfect day – blue sky, sun shining, birds tweeting and the dulcet tones of my children, fighting to the death over a piece of cardboard
Plot twist: Dogs and cats do not adjust their clocks to Daylight Saving Time. Meals will be expected at the regularly appointed hour.