People I live with are hiding my shit. The two most effective hiding places to date:
1) out in the open
2) where I last left it
You Might Also Like
I can take 15 years off my appearance by stealing your glasses.
Think I nailed my job interview today because I wore a graduation cap to make it look like I graduated high school
i gotta stop wearing clothes that have recently washed up on shore
ME: how about a horn solo
DRIVING INSTRUCTOR: that鈥檚 not how this works
Zoom meetings have reminded me that I鈥檓 generally not muted when you should be.
*performs perfect sleeper hold and drags another mailman into the garage*
…they just keep sending more…
You can’t please me, you’re not the long straight block in Tetris.
I find it funny when an actor starts off a movie doing an accent and then it mysteriously disappears like their paycheck just cleared
why isn’t there a shovelling event in the winter olympics
I’m like a cheetah, but slow.
My theory is, “things can’t be too bad if I can still laugh about it”
This has led to me making jokes at WILDLY inappropriate times
You can’t trust the mainstream media, that’s why I get all my news from the giant in my dreams
*opens door*
Stop screaming!
*opens door*
What broke?!
*opens door*
Just wait until I get out there!!
~parenting from the bathroom
My phone told me my screen time was up 82% last week and honestly nobody asked you
I’d throw you a flower, infact, I’d throw you an entire plant.
Homosexuals please help me. I think my hamsters are gay. How do I let them know it’s okay?
Living with downstairs neighbors.. 馃槄
Her: I heard you got super glue on your fingers, are you okay?
Me: 馃憣
Listen if vampires don鈥檛 age or whatever then why aren鈥檛 there any films about vampires set in a future where we all live in space??? Space Vampires?! Do I have to do everything around here
Me: ahahah say it again
The robot I built because I have no friends: hamborgers
Me: lmfao it鈥檚 hamburgers, you idiot
The robot I built that no longer wants to be friends with me:
Me: HAMBORGER LMAO
The casting of the Little Mermaid is a joke. You need someone who can hold their breath for an hour and a half at least or the movie just isn鈥檛 believable.
Getting money from “the Tooth Fairy” is a gateway drug to organ trafficking.
[gets on Facebook]
[types “you pushed me away but expected me to stay”]
[everyone nods, this is considered extremely good shit on there]
Staring at my daughters dolls and wondering which one will kill me in my sleep.
“Genetically modified food is very much safe for human consumption” the tomato on my plate reassuringly explained to me.
[ I am abducted by aliens ]
alien: it’s been 5000 years since we first came and bestowed upon you our wisdom. we excepted things to be… different
me: WANT SOME GUM IT’S AVALANCHE FLAVOR
Walking near the square a woman stopped me to offer a free skin care sample. Then she accurately guessed my age range. Some nerve!
I would guard your potatoes so hard.
If you think fruit is better than candy just remember Eve ate an apple, not a Reese’s.