I could die climbing Mount Everest or I could die sitting on my couch eating Tostitos and I think we all know which one is preferable.
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Things I learned today:
1) Gel is not short for jelly
2) KY isn’t an acronym for “Krazy Yummy”
3) I’m not allowed to make my own lunch
A magician’s assistant wears two layers under her costume: a bra, cadabra
My blood type is A+ because I’m the best at everything. Even at having blood.
One side of our sink has a garbage disposal. The other side is where my daughter just dumped a full bowl of cereal.
My teen said she’s too old to have a dance party with us but then asked for money, and now guess who isn’t too old to have a dance party with us?
Do not levitate over flowers
i did the math and a second job would help me get out of debt as long as i start it twelve years ago
I set the automatic reply on my work email to “I don’t negotiate with terrorists.”
Now we wait.
Apparently granny panties and crocs was not the answer he was looking for when he messaged ‘baby what are you wearing?’
Biden: I painted “Michelle Obama 2020” on your bedroom ceiling
Obama: 😳
Biden: Glow in the dark paint
[raises hand in math class]
HOW DO PEOPLE WHO WORK AT THE SPAM CORPORATION KNOW WHEN THEY’RE GETTING UNSOLICITED EMAIL?
Elton John: Mars ain’t the kinda place to raise your kids…
Neil Degrasse Tyson: [peers over newspaper]
Elton John: in fact it’s cold as hell
Neil Degrasse Tyson: [nods, goes back to reading]
Wife: Honey, I’m upstairs!
*undresses on the run like Superman*
Be right up!
*stands naked in doorway*
Wife: Do you remember…
Pam: Hi
[FIRST DAY AS A NUDE MODEL]
INSTRUCTOR: Sir, we need you to take off your socks.
ME: (chuckles) Oh, sorry.
INSTRUCTOR: (clears throat) All three of them.
Neighbor: I need to run to the store. Can you watch the baby?
Me (thinks of Daredevil cued up on Netflix): I am a registered sex offender
“I…I don’t know, doc. I guess I’m just tired of being pushed around all the time.”
-Revolving Doors
Damn it, my wife found the guy who’s been sneaking in at 11pm is the donut delivery guy. Guess I should stop pretending I’m having an affair with him.
Barista: Hangover?
Me: Motherhood.
‘Head, shoulders, knees and toes’ used to be a lot more cheery when I wasn’t singing about what hurt on a morning.
Finally shaved my armpits and found the factory reset button
One time I microwaved my lunch at work and my coworker said “That smells spicy! What is that–is that salt?” And when I was speechless she followed up with “Is it pepper?”
*lady shares a wallet photo of her son*
*i pull out a 20-part accordion wallet photo set of my dogs*
How I read news articles:
1. Read the headline
2. Go directly to the comment section
3. Have a meltdown
If I was a marriage counselor I would just make the couple look at a dating website for 20 minutes.
Kids don’t like to go to bed, and that’s how you know that they’re stupid.
Me: [Eating pizza for breakfast]
Gym nerd: [pouring 8 flourescent powders into a gym bottle] I dunno how u can put that shit into your body
My 4yo refers to any time in the past as ‘last years ago’ which is about as accurate as when I say ‘the other day’.
We’re gonna party like its 1999.
//breaks out Nokia flip phone and starts to panick about Y2K//
technically you’re not on fire, the fire is on you. but yes i’ll get some water
In Canada, she’s Kilometery Cyrus.