My life won’t stop downloading updates without my permission.
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“Easy as pie” does not sound easy to me. Make it “Easy as Hot Pockets” or “Easy as eating six pickles straight out of the jar without even closing the fridge”
become ungovernable
If I die, please avenge me. If it’s an accidental death, just go nuts on whoever.
The term “baby steps” is so offensive to babies. If you’re a baby, taking a step is the most impressive thing you’ve ever done.
Who’s your best friend?
My charm is that I break people down over time; like waterboarding or marriage.
If you ghost me, I assume one of two things happened
1: you fell in love with me really quickly and overwhelmingly and you couldn’t handle it and knew I would ruin your life forever because of how amazing I am
2: you died
Sorry, but your kids don’t look adorable when they lose their teeth, they look like tiny homeless people.
*medication may cause
– hair cramps
– tongue mold
– restless skin syndrome
– pomegranate ear
– swamp lip
– knee teeth
I may be unhinged now but at one point I was “a pleasure to have in class”
I need a Valentine’s Day card that says, “Sorry we keep almost-divorcing during the pandemic.”
[at the bar]
Me: Let’s settle this like men
Him: *pulls out knife*
Me: *rips off clothes to reveal racquetball outfit*
Tried to take a drink of water while lying flat on floor and was immediately reminded of my place in the universe.
do british flat earthers say the world is apartment?
Reasons to evacuate before a hurricane:
5. Winds
4. Flooding
3. Power outages
2. No pizza delivery
1. Wet socks
Cashier at grocery store, “HI THERE! ARE WE HAVING A GOOD MORNING?”
Me, “Please…I have a family.”
I explained how Pac-Man works to my kids, and apparently 4 ghosts constantly chasing someone is a terrifying story to 4yos.
I am so proud to be part of a society that needs television commercials to remind us not to lock our kids in hot cars.
Nothing inspires me more to get up every morning than my full bladder.
I feel like one of these would kill a European
Me: Send prudes.
Her: Wait, did you mean nudes?
Me: What? Ew. No.
*makes eye contact with beautiful woman across fancy restaurant*
Waiter, send that woman a glass of your finest Sprite.
[first date]
HER: i’m really into guys-
ME (eager to impress her): me too
When people say let’s stop fighting and act like a family, that’s where I get confused.
As seen on Reddit: “Tradition is just peer pressure from dead people”.
Discuss.
I wonder if the guy who came up with the term “One Hit Wonder” came up with any other phrases.
The dietitian told me peanut butter is healthy if I eat it with something low-calorie, so I chose a spoon.
Wife: omg it’s happening
Me: what is?
*the lights go out, wind rattles the windows*
Wife: the baby is coming
Me: what?!
Wife: the baby is coming right now
Me: you’re not pregnant!
*door creaks open*
Wife: run
DOG 911: what’s the emergency?
DOG: a boy threw a ball but I can’t find it
DOG 911: did u check his hand?
DOG: of course I checked hi—DAMMIT
Sorry I yelled “chug it” to your baby, as you were breastfeeding.