Cell mate: What you are in for?
Me: foraging
Cell mate: don’t you mean forgery?
Me (with my cheeks full of nuts): huh?
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Cop: “There’s an outstanding warrant out for your arrest.”
Me: *blushes* “I knew it was good but ‘outstanding’? Thank you, officer!”
Ok, but like, how married are you?
Whenever I meet one of my 15 y/o’s bf’s, I always ask “Have you ever taken karate?”. “No sir”. “Well u fuckin better” !
Good parenting 101
This is deadly serious:
Talking about corona-virus this morning, Trump said, “We closed it down. We stopped it.”
There were 15 confirmed cases in the US a week ago.
There are 233 today.
There will be *5,000* in a week
TRUMP’S INCOMPETENCE KILLS.
me: hi i’m on the list
security: there is no list this is kohl’s
me: *slipping him 20 dollars in kohl’s cash* to the VIP section my good man
*walks into business conference*
*everyone stares and gasps because I have a hotel coffee cup instead of Starbucks*
*one lady starts crying and gives me her cup*
My dad is Jamaican and my mum is Iranian, which meant that we spent most of our family holidays in Customs.
Therapist: My job is to know you better than you know yourself, Libby
Me: It’s Abby
Therapist: That’s what you think
Either Mercury is in retrograde or I made a series of poor choices that have since born fruit, but who can argue with the planets?
Since I’ve been scared of flying people have always tried to assuage said fear with “planes are way safer than cars!” and Boeing said “never mind!!!”
[opening the fridge to find no yummy snacks inside]
[me to the fridge] you had one job
I’m doing it doggy style today. Lying on the couch not doing a damn thing. I will bark if you knock on the door.
Her: could things get any worse?
Me: *adds raisins* there you go.
Dave: I don’t want to sound stupid….
Me: Then stop right there and say nothing.
10 out of 8 mathematicians recommend improper fractions.
If you’re havin AutoCorrect problems I feel bad for you son. I got 99 parabolas bit s butch Saint omg.
taking June’s advice to heart
Her: Are you a dog person or a cat person?
Me: …
H: …
M: …
H: Why are you hesitating?
M: I’m not sure which answer will get me laid.
Daughter: Daddy, why do I have to go to school every day?
Me: Because they watch you for free for 7 hours
As my kid gets older he goes to bed later, which means he hangs out longer, which means *I* have to stay up later to get my alone time, which means by the time he’s 13, I’ll be going to bed at sunrise.
I sexually identify as the toaster you want to bathe with.
*Queen bee in hive*
“You, go pollinate flowers”
“You, go make some honey”
“You, go buzz around some humans and ruin their picnic lol”
*snorting spilled coffee grounds off the dirty floor* I DONT HAVE A PROBLEM
Awww, I remember when I was 18 and thought I was an adult too. Good times.
Can you put some pants on my voodoo doll & pop some money in the pocket please
5 walked in on sexy time last night and yelled “Mommy’s in danger” so I’m just wondering if it’s better to explain it to her teacher or just wait for the call?
I am hoping the next jump in human evolution removes humanity’s desire to find plot holes in joke tweets.
Got banned from helping my granddaughter write sentences with spelling words. Apparently third graders can’t write about tequila.
You want me to work for exposure? The thing that killed Marie Curie?