Should have let Marvel produce 2020.
You Might Also Like
[looking at wife as firefighters cut me out of baby swing at playground]
It doesn’t say its specifically for babies, Karen
(Rushes to hospital)
Dr: Your mother is extremely critical.
Me: Don’t overreact doctor, she’s like that with everyone.
[At Fancy Restaurant]
Her: I’ll have the oxtail topped with quail egg.
Him: Gimme a steak.
Her: *glares
Him: Uhh, topped with a Cadbury?
[crashing my bike]
spin class instructor: how did you do that
Me: I cant hear you, talk INTO the phone
My wife [yelling into the soup can and string phone attached to my pillow fort]: IM LEAVING YOU
I just ran into my high school bully and it was great cause I’m doing well and he’s 17 which is very old for a dog
Currently being yelled at by my sour patch 5yo daughter for “not playing Barbies right” bc I decided to make mine a 9-year-old girl from Brooklyn who sounds like she has smoker’s lung and lives above a pizzeria.
I don’t like atheism. I’ve worked too many minimum wage jobs for someone to tell me there’s nothing after this. I once waitresses the smoking section of Applebee’s. Smelled like divorce papers signed with a gun shot. I need heaven!
I stupidly asked my kids to explain why there are rocks in the washing machine, as if I’m new to this whole parenting thing
Doctor: Are you allergic to anything?
Me: Cats
Doctor: Anything else?
Me: Grease
Doctor: is that everything?
Me: Most musicals to be honest.
‘we love the sea because it’s where we come from we fear it because we left so long ago’, I say suddenly, startling myself, and the waitress
“Four Weddings and a Funeral” is my favorite movie with 25% as many funerals as weddings.
My husband fell asleep while watching Memento…was shocked to find “remember to NOT trust your wife” written on his forehead with a Sharpie
me: I’m unable to stop making jokes
doctor: you can’t be serious
me: that’s right
Just passed a guy on the street and said “what’s up?” and he replied “how’s it going?” and then we moved on, feeling cordial but in retrospect leaving both questions unanswered
Did I say feelings? I meant uhhh sandwiches. I have sandwiches for you.
Watching basketball while on the treadmill feels like reading a book about someone reading an even bigger & better book
How much mint do I have to muddle into this mojito for it to count as a serving of vegetables?
my parents support me pursuing comedy but they also think the big bang theory is peak comedy so i might be doomed
I’m keeping an eye on the cult headquarters, call that compound interest
I’m not a mechanic so I don’t know why, but my car seems to make a screaming noise whenever I run over people.
The only time my doorbell rings is when someone is bringing me food so it will henceforth be called the dinner bell.
I hate how survivors leave the zombies they kill wherever they fall.
I’m not sentimental.
I’m just sick of tripping over them.
Just updated My Facebook status from “Single” to “In a Trinity”. #wayoverdue
それは草
Maybe the guy yelling random words into the sky at the bus-stop isn’t crazy..
…maybe he’s just trying to figure out 2020’s safe word
I was on the phone with my parents and I brought up how I’m parenting differently than they did, so they became defensive saying “Well, look how well you turned out” and I heard my wife laughing all the way from Target.
CAPTAIN AMERICA: Avengers, assemble!
*points to a bunch of IKEA shit he just bought for the headquarters*
Woke up with morning Yule Log
5: if you take a shortcut in a food maze, it’s not cheating it’s eating