If pulled over, immediately ask the officer if they’ve been drinking in order to establish dominance.
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My dad is at it again
One of my favourite factoids is that the guy who wrote “Pretty Fly (For A White Guy)” will also help us cure AIDS some day.
I’m a total go with the flow kinda person as long as the flow is meticulously scheduled well in advance and there are no mid-flow changes whatsoever
dog owners: their name is buddy
cat owners: their name is cool ranch dorito
[candy store]
ME: I’d like to return this Tic Tac.
CLERK: It looks partially eaten.
ME: It’s still in…
CLERK: Don’t
ME: …mint condition.
Bird snatches worm: Haha beat you to it sleepy head!
*blam!*
And early riser Hunter Harry gets delicious fried pheasant for lunch.
HR: Do you know why we called you in here today?
Me: I’m not taking off my Batman suit, sir.
If you need motivation to workout this evening, Justin Bieber changed his Instagram name to Bizzle. Now go ahead, get out that aggression.
An amish party in the desert called churning man.
DR: your daughter’s vision and hearing look good
ME: and?
DR. height and weight are both average for her age
ME: and?
DR: lungs sound clear, blood pressure’s normal
ME: aaaaaaand?
DR: you don’t have to cut the grapes in half anymore
ME: oh thank god
Waiter: pumpkin pie?
Me: ok, …. darling
If you try to rip somebody’s head off, I suggest you train for it first. If you don’t succeed it makes the following few minutes awkward.
Dating:
“No you hang up!”
“No you hang up!”
“No you hang up!”
“No you hang up!”Marriage:
“No you shut up”
“No you shut up”
“No you shut up”
“No you shut up”
The sole purpose of a potato masher is to prevent you from opening a drawer.
Oh no I got so excited that you texted me that I accidentally replied 11 thousand times and then swung into your house on a rope
Any animal that has a face CAN SPEAK. They’re just being stubborn.
2019: Tumblr blinks offline, satisfied, having completed its mission of collecting all existing TV and film footage as GIF files.
If you add ‘ish’ on the end of the time, you’re not really late.
Why use words you don’t understand in your tweets? It just makes you look photosynthesis.
Him: What are you doing?
Me: Rollin’ bones.
Him: I’ll roll your bones. *wraggles eyebrows*
Me:
Him: *winks*
Me: *does voodoo-y stuff*
Him: *turns into a hedgehog*
My 4yo tells me his toothpaste is “too spicy” but he doesn’t seem to be having any trouble with Flamin’ Hot Cheetos
If u think ur parents did nothing for you, remember Jackie Shrof named his son Tiger and Bappi Da named his son Bappa. Respect your parents
You think it’s easy being a tall woman with a wide body this time of year? Do you know how many familys try to kidnap me and use me as a Christmas tree????!!!!
My wife inexplicably waited to the last minute to tell me that my kids have dance class today.
So annoying when she does this every week.
[God wakes up] oh man i am hungover, what’d i do last night?
[sees that goats have the ability to scream now] haha oh yea
I’m the master at playing ‘The floor is lava’
*Lies on the couch*
My co-worker said he’s bleeding out of his ear. “That time of the month?” I replied.
He’s not amused.
[First day as a driving instructor]
“Okay kid, reverse. Keep going and stop when you hear a bang.”
This is a terrible time for kidnappers.
GOD: Let’s give her ALL the awesome.
“But what if it’s TOO much awesome?”
GOD: Then we’ll divide it evenly between multiple personalities.