My wife and I divided up the important talks we’ll have with our daughters.
She’ll handle puberty, sex, and college.
I’ll handle zombies.
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The chip dip i ate with a spoon may not have helped my weight loss, but the diarrhea it gave me sure did.
Taking my daughter to scope out a university today and as she asked me not to embarrass her, I’m going dressed as Legolas.
Ghost Hunting Camera: *shows me standing unnaturally still for 2 hours*
Me: *deep breath and picks up phone* Hi! I’d like to place order me a pizza? SHIT *click*
The best part about Halloween is seeing people in costume doing normal shit. Just saw a Dracula standing by a car eating potato chips.
In Michelin star restaurants, Sloppy Joes are called Untidy Josephs.
Hi if you have three kids you will either do dishes twice a day or you will buy 3,439 forks.
How is it still this week?
“Some people call me the space cowboy, some call me the gangster of love. Some people call me Maurice, cause…”
Barista: I’m writing “Mo”.
I’m not saying I want to die choking on peanut butter, but that would be the only scenario where my friends can say I went out doing what I loved.
cop: we’re investigating the disappearance of your neighbor
me: i don’t know where dave is
cop: how did you know it was dave
[ups guy walks up] got an order for a human sized hamster wheel
Boss: Why do you look so sad?
Me: I actually paid a college hundreds of thousands of dollars so I could do this
When my mother calls with a computer problem, I tell her to try shutting it off and turning it back on in 6 months.
Liar is such a harsh term, I prefer Politician
Tear gas is the saddest gas.
If you ever get attacked by a shark, just be a good sport about it and let it eat you. Hey, look on the bright side: It’s a rare occurrence, so you’re special.
age 9- *jumps off fences, feels fine*
age 19- *jumps off garage on a dare, feels fine*
age 39- *takes Aleve cuz I “slept funny”
Friend: Wanna go out with me for a beer?
Me: I’ll go out with you *finger guns* for free
shop assistant: can i help you find something?
me: a meaningful connection in an improbable world filled with chaotic and ultimately meaningless coincidences
shop assistant:
me: or laundry detergent
I like how all these people are acting like they’ve never seen a naked 37 year old man fight 3 security guards at a mall food court before.
Naked and Afraid. But it’s just me using the shower at my gym.
Wasted my annual good hair day at work again this year.
“We’re a completely paperless office.”
Wow, that’s really cool.
[Later, staring at iPad dispenser in bathroom]
Well this sucks.
Don’t worry about the people that drink Coke or Pepsi, worry about the ones that say “I’m fine with either”
The only way my mother-in-law would approve of our Christmas tree is if I were hanging from it.
Jurassic Park came out 30 years ago, and now I feel like the fossil.
Have a headache? Eating a carrot can help if you take a Advil after it
A lot to unpack here…
But…girl rabbits don’t either.
Also…does Christ lay eggs?
Me: Why can’t we feed the animals?
Wife: They’ll get lazy and dependent and never, ever go away.
Me: *looks warily at our kids*
What my husband said: How about you run to Target for cleaning supplies and I’ll hang with the kids
What I heard: How about you run to Target alone so you have the freedom to spend this months mortgage payment on unnecessary home decor and a 2020 calendar that you’ll never use