If drinking too much alcohol makes you an alcoholic, does drinking too much Fanta make you fantastic?
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I prefer to think that my proclivity to road rage has enriched my kids vocabularies rather than warped their tiny little minds.
Maybe Tailgate wants to be banged. Did you ask? You don’t know.
[quietly opens a beer]
Funeral Director: seriously?!
Me: oh sorry [reaches into cooler and hands him one]
New relationship be like, “what you doing?” ….”just drinking water”…”ok darling plz be careful”
Crazy but true: Over 80 percent of twins seperated at birth have the same exact birthday.
europeans read a lot because their television shows suck
Me: I’ll have a scotch on the rocks with a twist
Bartender slides drink
“Your dad’s alive. He’s hiding in Cuba”M: Did NOT see that coming
Woke up this morning expecting a raging headache. My husband said, “Wanna know why your head doesn’t hurt so bad? Your last several gin and tonics I ordered for you were just water.”
“You want a BOOTH?!”
“I think I’m entitled to the BOOTH!”
“YOU CAN’T HANDLE THE BOOTH!!!”
~angry exchange at the Applebee’s hostess stand
Am I supposed to present a monologue play while I use this toilet? Wtf is it on a stage for.
was fired from my court stenographer job when the defendant was sentenced to 15-20 years and I remarked: “aww, big stretch!”
Who called them ‘horses’ and not ‘neigh-sayers?’
Looks like the mayor is getting serious.
I always feel ripped off when someone asks if they can “sneak by you”, but then you say yes and they just walk by and aren’t sneaky at all.
I prefer the term “quirky”, it sounds less diagnosable.
Lets keep this short tell me what I did right
i know this website has poisoned my brain because an earthquake just shook my bedroom, and mid-quake my very first thought was “oh boy, here come the tweets”
I’m at my most Alzheimer’s when Billy is that you?
Boating season is upon us.
Mary Poppins: 🎶A spoonful of sugar makes the medicine go down🎶
Death Row inmate: how did you get in here
Does anybody know what day Easter falls on this year?
*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘bomb’ eighteen times during interview at Great Clips.
[after sex]
ME: that was…magnificently stupefying
HER: please put the thesaurus down
Doing the splits is easy — slip on the first snowy step when taking the dog out and let gravity (and panic) make you an Olympic gymnast!
Do NOT look under a teenage boy’s bed, & never, EVER ask him why he & his friends are laughing.
– two things I’ve learned the hard way
Forced to use Axe Shampoo & Conditioner this morning and now my hair is high fiving people and calling them Braaaah.
Everyone on this flight acting like they’ve never seen anyone peel a sack of hard boiled eggs before.
Me: I’m terrible at fractions
Also me, at work: In another 23 minutes I’ll be 64/73rds through the day
Don’t drink water and stay hydrated it’s a hoax