my dream is to be involved in a heist and say “uh oh, we’ve got company” when the police arrive
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[titanic, 1912]
Captain: what kind of lettuce do u want on your sandwich
First mate: ICEBERG
Captain: lol no need to shout, Dave
[flying to Vegas]
TSA agent: The metal detector is going crazy. Do you have any metal on you?Me: Just my lucky rabbit’s foot key chain, my lucky penny, my lucky bronzed four-leaf clover and my lucky horseshoe.
“I don’t see things as half full or half empty. I try to be optimistic!”
-Me explaining to my husband why I ran out of gas.
[introducing my new girlfriend to my brothers]
ME: …so basically this is my last day at the monastery
Telling my wife I’m taking her someplace fancy is my way of getting 4 hours to myself while she gets ready.
[Confessional Booth]
Catholic: I’ve done a terrible thing, will I still make it into Heaven?
Me, as a priest: *shakes Magic 8 Ball* My sources say no.
[dressed like Slave Leia]
Them: Haha ready for Halloween?
Me: Halloween?
Unimpressed
a potato meteor that cooks itself as it hurdles toward the earth and lands on your plate hot and ready
Headline: World helium shortage over due to discovery of helium field.
Scientist: (high voice) This new supply of helium is a game-changer
I think when calories reach a certain point snack companies should be allowed to say “You don’t want to know” on the nutrition label.
Twitter: Cause why drunk dial one person when you can drunk dial the world?
[McDonald’s drive thru]
Me: One burger pls
Drive Thru: Ok one murder got it
Me: Ha what
(In a flash, Grimace is ripping the door off my car)
“Is it in yet???”
-My ATM, mocking me.
[at the gym]
Body builder: how much can you curl?
Me: *smugly* I can do a 9 inch ribbon
alexa mow my grass with an upside down helicopter
I started off my new fitness regime this morning with a run. It isn’t the only mistake I’ve made this week, but it’s certainly the biggest.
On the other hand however, hospital food’s much tastier than I expected.
He danced with wolves. I’m running with beehives.
[bar]
me: oh god this is gonna sound weird but would you mind pretending to be my girlfriend when my friends turn up so they don’t think I’m a pathetic loser
wife: no
A child will either wear a band-aid for 7 minutes or for two years.
A health scare but it’s just someone putting a salad in front of me.
is nasa ok
I pan fried chicken tonight.
On another completely unrelated note: the firemen in my town are gorgeoussssss.
Shout out to all the animals that help Disney princesses get shit done.
I asked my neighbors to keep it down last night and they were like ma’am- it’s 5pm.
Charlie Brown grew up to become a good grief counselor
I didn’t mean to knock your toddler down at the mall today…
I just wanted to be first on Santa’s lap before he got peed on.
when horses drive past a field of people they say “people”
A girl who’s literally called ‘Beauty’ walks around town singing about how stupid everyone else is. It’s a mystery why Belle had no friends.
“Here, throw this away for me.” ~ People who hand out leaflets.