Just sneezed, accidentally blew a snot bubble, dropped my phone, then tripped on the dog. Whoever has my voodoo doll is hilarious
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A Covid test nurse asked if I’ve had a sudden loss of taste. I told her, “No, I’ve dressed like this for quite a while.”
Kid: I don’t like mac-n-cheese anymore.
DENIAL: You still like it.
ANGER: YOU WILL EAT IT!
DEPRESSION: *crying*
BARGAINING: If you eat it, you can have dessert.
ACCEPTANCE: I will make you chicken nuggets.Kid: I don’t like chicken nuggets anymore.
I grew up in the 70s. If there was a bowl of fruit on the kitchen table it was made out of plastic and lead paint
Me: [trying to put on pants]
Apple Watch: Would you like to log this workout?
There is no worse place to receive bad news than sitting in a beanbag chair.
me: [dead in the morgue] *turns fan on for noise*
Wouldn’t it be WAY weirder if Taylor Swift DIDN’T get all excited at her boyfriend’s games? Like, what if she just sat there, stone-faced?
My 4yo sang Old MacDonald but in his version “on that farm he was a cow” which was a plot twist M. Night Shyamalan would be proud of
I just accidentally ordered a $300 bottle of wine on this cruise and now my wife is thinking of throwing me overboa
animation is NOT for kids. animation is for nobody. drawings have no business moving like that
Overheard in Dublin pub bathroom last night:
Girl 1: “My Ma is going mad that I’m out on Christmas Eve. She said to me: ‘it’s the day baby Jesus was born, and you’re out drinking’”
Girl 2: “Jesus was born ages ago, relax!
Asking every new person I meet if they’re cake.
Sometimes I look at my 13yo daughter and marvel at how smart she is, how beautiful she’s getting, and how the hell she wakes up after sleeping for 10 hours without having to immediately run to the bathroom and pee.
Me: Stay back, I have garlic!
Count of Monte Cristo:
Our wifi is down and I had to fap using only my imagination like some kind of savage 🙁
The year is 2200. All fossil fuels are depleted. Our only source for coal is Santa Claus. Everyone must be naughty for the sake of mankind.
Sorry, Ghostbusters.
At best, I might email or text you.
[scrolling netflix]
Me: definitely not a movie, that’s too much time
Also me: *watches 5 episodes of Better Call Saul*
My pics are real.
I don’t use any filters.
I don’t even use coffee filters.
I eat coffee straight outta the container like a man
Making snow angels but it’s just me rolling around in pizza cheese.
*grammar police reads ransom note*
“Bring the money hear in too days, or she dead”
*grammar cop dies*
“Damn, he had 2 days until retirement”
I thought I felt a spider crawling on my neck.
Now I have to pretend I was breakdancing at this bank.
Squirrels run around looking for food because they don’t have access to technology and the endless supply of nuts on Twitter.
Hate it when we run out of clean towels so I have to ride my white stallion Gregory up and down the driveway real fast to dry my mullet
Grandma found out I’m single so I have roughly an hour to find a gf or Ill be getting the ‘have you thought about being a priest’ talk again
my new hobby
creating totally reasonable units that somehow upset people
– kiloLiters
– megameters
– milliinches
The fact that no one on House Hunters has ever looked at a bathroom and said “I can picture myself taking a dump in here” is a tragically missed opportunity
The more I learn about Myself the more atheist I become.
I was having a political fight with someone on Twitter while my dog was out back barking at the wind.
Then we switched.
Titanic passengers clearly didn’t read the fine print on their tickets:
“All sails are final.”