Trains should still have a caboose, if you stop to watch it go by you should be rewarded with a good ending
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excuse me why are *people* accepting medals for the equestrian events this is some bs
Iron Man’s cat is a Fe lion
me: I bet other husbands don’t get put in timeout!
wife: I bet they don’t put their mother-in-law’s phone number on a Craigslist ad either!
Bewitched was my favorite show about a woman who had a magical power & couldn’t use it because she got married.
My January credit card bill, aka the Ghost of Christmas Past.
It’s password awareness Friday.
Today I offer free consulting.
Send me a password and I tell you if it’s strong.
a•c•q•u•a•i•n•t•a•n•c•e•s (tv show, sitcom): six peopel avoid grabbing a cup of coffee together for 10 years
Is it lovers quarrel or lover squirrel?
either way, couples therapy is going great
Health insurance so bad, snitches only get bandaids
My elbow watching me do a full skin care routine on my face.
Walnuts aren’t the same when they’re not surrounded by a brownie.
Why do people always make such a fuss over how much a newborn weighs? It’s a baby, not a stash of heroin.
Why is it then when things are going well we say everything is “peachy”? What elevated the peach above all other fruits to define itself as all that is good? What did it do to deserve such an accolade?
I see you peach, and I’m watching
What’s it called when you wake up and have to delete 73% of your tweets from last night. Alcohol, it’s called alcohol.
ME: This is my parrot. I call him a repeat offender lol
DATE: Haha, because you say something & he says it back to
ME: He’s murdered 7 people
Hi..You’ve reached my voicemail. I could come to the phone right now but I saw your name on caller ID so leave a message..or not.
I dunno why but this feels like a trap
*puts sriracha on a kangaroo*
HOT POCKET
My children are the reason hurricanes are named after humans.
*pronounces carrot like tarot*
I’m starting to think my wife is only having sex with me to improve her FitBit stats.
Ugh, suicidal cannibals are always so full of themselves
one time i went to a guy’s house and he made me watch The Crow on DVD and then when it ended he restarted it from the beginning and i had to pretend my flatmate had been arrested so i could leave
‘Why do people even talk to babies? It’s not like they can understand anything’ I ask my dog.
Him: Let’s make another baby
Her: WTAF??
Him: Yes
me: *opens one eye* I’m still awake
spider: *removes leg from my mouth and backs away* sorry
As a dad it’s your duty to ask “how were the roads?” within fifteen minutes of a visitors arrival
Today I learned that a Roomba does not clean dog poop very well, but it does leave a trail as to where I can find it.
Get your ski mask. We’re pulling off a popsicle factory heist. I got the strawberry shortcakes. Leave no creamsicle behind.
A spider crawled across my leg while I was driving and of course that fucker survived the crash.