*searches through desk for granola bar, can’t find it*
OK WHO STOLE MY *remembers eating granola bar yesterday* HEART? ALL OF YOU, THAT’S WHO.
You Might Also Like
Future historians will be asked which quarter of 2020 they specialize in.
I bet at least ONE of Leonardo DiCaprio’s friends has called him Leotard. Probably Mark Wahlberg…
Zookeeper: we suspect one of you stole a giraffe
Zoo employee 1: oh no
Zoo employee 2: oh no
Me: [knitting a tremendously long scarf] oh no
There’s no cool way to get your braces unstuck from the carpet.
*wraps bacon in bacon wrapped bacon*
“Hi, I’m Rob Thomas for the Organ Donor Association. Give me your heart, make it real or else forget about it.”
“Catch me if you can, officer.”
*Seductively winks.*screams as police dog takes me down.
I really hope it’s a typo on your resume where it says you’re “goat oriented”.
Told my doctor I would lose 10 pounds in three months. That was three months ago and now I have 18 hours to lose 9¾ pounds.
Rome fell because it was run by idiots who used letters as numbers.
[girl I’m talking to playfully touches my arm] Wait, do that again I wasn’t flexing.
YOU (falling prey to the pathetic fallacy): The sky is angry tonight.
ME (science-loving, dispassionate): Everything is angry all the time.
HER: I’m a gun enthusiast
ME [trying to impress]: I’m sweating bullets
Mistletoe, poinsettias, and holly berries are all toxic plants that can potentially be harmful to humans and pets.
Here’s a great idea, let’s decorate our house with them for Christmas!
haunted house: get. out.
me: (telling spicy gossip) right?
“what does your tattoo mean” i had money and nobody stopped me
Me: it’s not you, I just don’t like talking on the phone, I’m super awkward oh god, u think I’m weird for saying that don’t u
911 operator: ma’am is he still stabbing u
Neighbor: I need to run to the store. Can you watch the baby?
Me (thinks of Daredevil cued up on Netflix): I am a registered sex offender
Roe v Wade is my favorite bitter controversy about the best way to cross a small river.
In time, the dust settled, and the dust took a job it hated and married someone it could barely tolerate
I have a three year old, a one year old, and a dog, and when I discover that someone chewed up my magazine and peed on the rug the dog is never my primary suspect.
“..so that’s the story of Christmas. Questions?”
Where do turtledoves come from?
“Well, when a turtle and a dove really love each other..”
I use so many age defying crinkle creams that I don’t have finger prints anymore.
My date spent all night telling me that she loved Bad Boys – Then seemed disappointed when we got back to mine and I put the DVD on.
It’s actually illegal to be mean to me. Many of you are under arrest
God: you can breathe underwater!
Fish: nice.
God: also eat and drink underwater.
Fish: so where do I go to the bathroom?
God:
Fish: just on the land or something?
“Can I be honest with you?”
“Yes.”
“You don’t know me at all do you?”
I replaced my old flat pillow that hurt my neck with a new fat fluffy pillow that hurts my neck.
Dating tip:
Don’t offer to pay.
It’s a sign of weakness.
Build trust through mutual agreement to steal.No one suspects the “happy couple.”
*at the end of a 3 day weekend*
Me: I will miss the kids when they go back to school tomorrow, I wish we had more time
The universe: here is a snow delay
Me: no, not like that