I identify as a McDonald’s ice-cream machine because I go down when you really want me.
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It turns out the answer to my problems wasn’t at the bottom of this pint of ice cream, but the important thing is that I tried.
9: [who only had 97 snacks today] Are we ever gonna eat dinner?
I just filled up my gas tank and went to a movie and bought a large soda and popcorn, I spent roughly 7000 dollars.
my cat: I’d like to go out
me: ok
my cat’s tail: not me tho
ME: i can’t wait for the game of thrones series finale!
FRIEND: oh i didn’t know you watched game of thrones
ME: i don’t
It infuriates my wife to see our stuff on the kitchen floor for a few hours but she’s totally fine with a table and chairs being there all year long.
You’re a busy woman. Let the smoke alarm tell you when the chicken’s done.
I said I wanted my bamboo “grilled”…not toasted. GRILLED! Why is this so difficult to understand? I want to see your manager.
The hotel bartender said I couldn’t take my drink back to my room so I said, “But what if you just…let me?” and he didn’t have a real answer to that, so I’m in bed with my drink now.
I had a really good charcoal fire going and now there’s nothing grillable left in the house.
My husband knew I’d never wear slippers because that’s where spiders lay their eggs and he still married me so I think that makes him the weirdo
If eHarmony were honest, it would pair some people with a room full of cats.
If I wanted to drive my wife insane, I’d secretly raise a colony of bees & place one new bee inside of her car each morning for ten years.
Virtual school adventures
6: I just need a break Dad, I can’t sit here in front of a screen all day.
Me: Okay go ahead and take a break.
6: Can i watch something on my tablet?
Welcome to your forties, when you start saying things like “This store isn’t open yet? It’s almost 7am!”
Is it rude to try and brush someone’s teeth while they’re talking to you?
2nd month dating: A thousand lifetimes with you would not be enough.
2nd month of marriage: OMG you are the loudest cereal chewer on earth!
I didn’t expect to have such strong feelings when the subtitles said smooching while the actors were kissing.
Praying for people who setup a 5PM work meeting on a Friday to be blessed with the most obnoxious kids
Stop trying to undress my panda bear onesie with your eyes.
Girlfriend Parents: so how did you meet our daughter?
Me: we met at a nickelback conc-
Gf: [covers my mouth] we met on tinder
The holidays are always tough on me….
One year for Christmas , I made a gingerbread house that wasn’t up to code & it collapsed on a tiny, little gingerbread family.
Still haunts me.
STOP RUNNING IN THE HOUSE!
I said STOP RUNNING!
STOP RUNN..
YOU BETTER RUN YOU LITTLE SHIT!
I’m a man of conviction, but no jail time.
{watching a horror movie}
SAGE YOUR HOUSE, IDIOT!
Fall, when my kids clean the yard by bringing ALL the leaves into the house
I like to diffuse situations with humor
And a machete
#FF @funTweeters because they pick bloody good tweets to RT!
Don’t ever call me sexist.
Sexism is wrong and being wrong is for women.
Can people I follow stop disagreeing with each other? I depend on you lot to tell me what to think.