Kevin didn’t know how much longer he could fake laugh at Linda’s dumb jokes, but he did know he didn’t want to be glue.
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[forgetting the name for leaf blowers] Do you have any wind bazookas?
This quarantine is making it hard to ignore calls from people I don’t want to talk to. It’s not like I can say “Sorry mom I was at the movies.”
REPORT: Box You Set Down for a Second to Become Permanent Decor:
ME: *scattering remains* He loved this park.
PARK RANGER: But…but he hasn’t been cremated!
ME: *lowering axe* Cremated?
I will take your secret to the grave. Unless I’m drunk and revealing it will make me popular.
Does it sound ridiculous? Yes. Did I get a sports injury from eating too many tacos? Also yes.
I asked 4 how school was and she said Mrs Dixon was cross bc Freya ate her cookie before her macaroni cheese so Freya told Mrs Dixon it was hard to look at the cookie sitting there and not eat it and tbh this time Freya has my full support
Confetti is shot outta cannons at my funeral. Everyone picks through it wondering why it doesn’t look right. “Oh god. Are these her bones?!”
I run a gambling ring where we throw humidifiers and dehumidifiers into a pit and let ’em fight that shit out.
ive never seen any flies in the house but this spider is getting fat so how do I tip a spider?
On date night my wife took me to a place where you make your own pottery. I made an urn.
Give me a few strong men, and I’ll build a nation. Give me a few hot women, and I’ll conquer the world.
How do American chickens cross the road? In a bucket.
I took a spin class and it went amazingly- well, that’s what they TOLD me to say.
“Are you still watching?”
Yes, Netflix. I didn’t magically get my shit together in the last three hours.
Relationship or hallucination? Either way, I’m seeing somebody.
BOSS: You’re late again today
ME {still using the Mayan calendar}: We’re lucky to even be here you know
Lost in the desert, you scan the horizon with your device. To the east, you see the leaning tower of Pisa. To the west, you see the familiar pillars of Stonehenge. That’s when you realize you should have brought binoculars instead of a Viewmaster.
Ruffles? Oh you mean the corduroy chips?
Thank goodness I’m loud and obnoxious all the time, so my family can’t blame it on the alcohol.
Seems like the “how to use a fire extinguisher” video on YouTube shouldn’t have a 30 second ad before it.
When I’m dead, I’m going to haunt offices and say, “OooOoo… why are you using your mouse?… hit Control-C… you’re taking forever…”
[job interview]
BOSS: Describe yourself
ME: Can’t you see me?
Middle finger in the air, if you don’t really care. It’s like that sometimes man, ridiculous. Life can be sometimes ridiculous.
I drove past the prison and saw a small man climbing down a wall.
I thought, well that’s a little condescending.
11: Look mom, I attached my iPad to my bicycle handles with elastic bands. Isn’t it great?! So now when I ride I can watch something!
*pauses, I can see she’s thinking*
Actually maybe I won’t do this because it sounds like a good way to die?
I love Pilates. At my age, you don’t hear, “Lay down and put your legs in the straps” very often.
By the end of shelter at home, my house will be spotless. Oh sure, I’ll be drunk and confused, but so will the germs.
[on the train]
Conductor: Ticket please
Me: *hands it over*
C: Lady this is a speeding ticket
M: *sighs* That’s why I’m on the train
I like to put a banana in a string of hahahahahahahahaha ‘s
No one notices, I dont know why I bother.
hahahabananahahaha