“What if it makes me look stupid,” she said redundantly.
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DJ VAN HELSING: this one goes out to my boy, Drac
DRACULA: *rolls eyes* oh here we go
DJ VAN HELSING: *plays Man in the Mirror*
*maintains eye contact*
*leaves with Drac’s girl*
Relationship status: Page 7 of @funTweeters
“Siri, why do I make so many typos?”
SIRI: I found this for ‘how to make Somali tadpoles’
Me: I’m having a heart attack.
BFF: you are not.
Me: I am *burp* oh nevermind
Doctor told me I only have 6 months to live, maybe 12 if I get enough likes on Facebook.
ME: I’m anti-murder
MURDERER: Wow, that’s narrow-minded
Them: Are you single?
Me, stuffing food in my face: Oh no. I’m at least a double. Probably a king sized
It’s always good to leave a few toilet paper remnants behind so he knows you’re a fastidious wiper.
Me: I’m PMSing and everyone bugs me.
Husband: You should do the Calm app.
Me: You should do the STFU app.
By the time my CVS receipt finished printing I was eligible for another prescription refill.
What’s the biggest problem you have with your name?
My biggest problem?
Me: “Hi, I’m Marcus. Nice to meet you.”
Business people: “Hi, Marcus. Do you go by Mark?”
Me: “No. If I did then don’t you think I’d introduce myself as that?”
My son used to check under the bed for monsters. So once I hid under there – so he’d see me and laugh. Anyway, child therapy is pricey.
My most solemn promise to my friends: If you’re caught in a time-loop, I will believe you. Do you die at some point in the day and wake up to relive it again? And again. And again. Tell me, I’ll believe you. We’ll skip the entire “convincing me” montage.
I. Will. Believe. You.
Does Rapunzel use the shampoo “Head & Shoulders, knees & Toes.”
Me: the vacuum broke
Husband: that sucks
Me: no it doesn’t
Leaning over with an open bag of skittles in your shirt pocket: a tragedy in one act
me to the dentist: can u make my teeth more how u say al dente
[inside a tornado]
Dad: wind’s really pickin up
“So, is there a MRS. A-Z?” – Lady hitting on Jason Mraz
A grand jury is made up of a cross-section of the community.
I ride the train w/the cross-section & it’s mostly people peeing on the floor.
My secret to making condoms more comfortable is telling men how badly I want a baby
asked my 5-year-old what she wanted for dinner and she said “not a burned quesadilla” bc in the summer of 2019 I overcooked one side of her quesadilla
You’re only as old as you feel, they say. So, 80. Today it’s 80.
I think it’s finally time for me to get those ice cubes I’ve been saving under the refrigerator.
God: you’re a giraffe.
Giraffe: why is my neck so long?
God: it’s the only way you could reach the top of the trees.
Giraffe: that makes perfect sense!
[monkey climbs a nearby tree]
Giraffe:
God: you weren’t supposed to see that.
Xanax, keeping moms from dropping their kids off at an orphanage since 1981.
What’s the issue officer?
Officer: You have no idea why I pulled you over?
I have some ideas, but would like to hear your opinion first.
Festive toon…
[before quarantine]
me: “gross! this cereal has gone stale”
[5 weeks in quarantine]
me: “you found cereal?! ill get the raccoon milk!”
Put your address and social security number into the GIF search then mail me your house keys to find your rapper name