I think it was the second time my mom dropped me on my head that made me what I am.
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When someone disagrees with you online & demands you prove your point to their satisfaction by writing a logically sound defense, u can save a lot of time by not doing that.
Dude, I’ve known u for ten seconds & enjoyed none of them, I’m not taking homework assignments from you.
[Homeschool field trip to the laundry room]
Kids: Dad, what IS this place?
Me: I have absolutely no idea
So UBER is not a dating app?
*sigh*
I kinda thought all those ‘Goodbye’ kisses seemed more awkward than usual.
Banished to the “quiet room” in church because the toddler shushed the pastor. Our family history of skepticism remains strong.
Leia: You owe child support.
Han: What? I’m in hyperspace.
Leia: You’re standing right here
Han: *makes hyperdrive noises with his mouth*
I became a Veterinary Assistant because I’m always covered in dog hair and wear pajamas all day anyway
Me every day: You kids drive me insane. I need a break.
Me before a kid-free trip: I CAN’T LEAVE MY LITTLE SUGAR PLUMS
Nothing says you’re a parent like being jealous of a tree because it’s all alone.
a rare painting of a dragon eating spaghetti
Hear me out. If Batman is canonically about 32 then he was born in 1986. And if his parents were killed leaving a movie theater when he was ten years old, then there is a very real possibility
that they were seeing Space Jam.
I feel as though most of my problems would not exist if I had just worked harder on that crane thing from Karate Kid
Imagine me riding a bike.
Wrong.
There’s no seat.
6 yo student: It’s hot. Why didn’t you wear shorts today?
Me: Teachers can’t wear shorts to work.
6: Is it because you’d show all your mosquito bites?
[In bed, finished watching rerun of “24”]
Me: Let’s role play. I’ll be Jack and you be a Russian operative.
Wife: Yes! But I want you to talk dirty to me.
Me [turning out the lights]: The following takes place between 10:00pm and 10:03pm
I appreciate the sun for always moving in the sky in a predictable way but I also respect the moon for just kind of doing whatever
If I’m ever captured as a spy, all they’d have to do to get me to talk is put my house slipper on the wrong foot.
I’m a good person!
You can tell because I’m announcing it loudly.
Javascript is when your doctor writes you a prescription for more coffee. Everyone knows that.
I’m going to try and be less of a people pleaser, is everyone ok with that?
car salesman: this is the car for you
me: but that’s a barrel about to go over Niagara falls
car salesman: take that baby for a spin
Welcome to your 40’s. Right after you’re done peeing, you feel like you need to pee.
Does anyone else have Bad Underwear which is kept at the bottom of the drawer to help you remember that it is time to clean the Good Underwear
[Pet store]
Boss: “I have to fire you. I know you’ve been stealing puppies.”
Me: “You can’t prove that.”
*My purse starts barking*
This weather better stop actin like my teenager’s mood
Scientists use dead bodies? Jesus, I know they’re nerds but they should still be able to make living friends.
95% of your time as a parent is spent trying to figure out who broke it, who stole it and who ate it
Me as a detective:
[analyzes evidence with magnifying glass]
[evidence catches on fire]
no no no no
I like to think Jesus rose after, like, 20 minutes, but then had to spend 3 days trying to move the rock from the cave.
Protip: If your wife says don’t put your oversized grilling spatula and tongs in the dishwasher, just hand wash them, she means right then.
My friend bought a house and I’m happy for him but part of me keeps thinking he could’ve bought so many hot dogs with all that money.