Get a tattoo with Chinese symbols that reads, “I don’t know. I don’t speak Chinese.” Wait for people to ask what your tattoo means.
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WHY IS A GROUP OF SQUIDS NOT A SQUAD
Her: I can’t believe you got us kicked out of my cousin’s wedding.
Me: They totally overreacted. People have been throwing rice at newlyweds for centuries!
Her: Pork fried rice??
Math homework? If this is my son’s backpack, that means my parachute must be —
A coworker just complained that nobody was talking to her and I really wish I had her kind of problems.
paramedic: [performing mouth to mouth on grandpa]
me: oh god not at christmas!! not like this! [holds up mistletoe] ok carry on
Nursery owner helping me load plants, “Your car looks just like mine.”
“You have a Crosstrek too” I ask.
“No, lots of wine bags.”
Me: Well, I’m off to perform another organ transplant.
Wife: You’re a piano mover, you idiot.
Me: I change lives, Linda. I change lives.
Plot Twist
Nigerian Prince won the Powerball jackpot and he’s emailing everyone now.
I ordered a high powered magnet (1000+lbs) and I think it may have gotten stuck to the delivery truck.
What can I buy my wife for Valentine’s Day that finally proves to her once and for all that I have absolutely no idea what she likes or who she is?
My son cuddled up to my bump and was talking about how he could see the baby and it would have been cute if I were pregnant.
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation.
Me:
Teen: [returns to bedroom]
Me: [starts reorganizing baking pans]
Every hotel is like: “Yes we’ll have tiny bars of soap and bottles of shampoo waiting for you but TOOTHPASTE IS WHERE WE DRAW THE LINE!!!”
*2 ghosts walk into a bar*
That’s it.
Everyone left screaming.
Idk y men go to bars to meet women? Go to Target. The female to male ratio is 10 to 1 and they’re already looking for things they don’t need
I keep a banana in my pocket just in case, because I’m really not glad to see anybody.
me: omg you’re dying
my phone: wtf the charger is just across the room
me: [crying] I wish I could help
He a real one for that
I love meeting people whose three kids’ names are gibberish but whose dog is named Steve.
[At the gym before someone teaches me the word spotting]: “hey bro will you take care of me and protect me?”
I want to open a restaurant for divorcees but I can’t think of what to name it other than fed ex
me: the show is at 7, want to get there at 6:45?
dad: sure 6 it is
me: i said 6:45
dad: yup 6
me: 6:30?
dad: right we’re on the same page, 6
me: we don’t need to get there an hour early
dad: we can’t arrive right at showtime
me: there are other options
dad: i don’t understand
*watching a cop walk past during drug deal*
ok relax, just be cool.. “bonjour mademoiselle how much of le methamphetamine dost thou fancy”
Running after, screaming for my baby, as the jar of mayo rolls under the counter
Two squirrels in the backyard. But they are not playing together. Wonder if there’s history.
Cats don’t understand movie/TV production, so they must just think some WILD shit happens outside of one window in our house.
I wanted to kill myself by drinking 100 beers, but when I finished my second one, I felt much better.
I used to be able to eat whatever I wanted without gaining weight. Now I pick up a fork and gain seven pounds.