dog owners: their name is buddy
cat owners: their name is cool ranch dorito
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“I should probably start filling this thing out.”
-I say about my son’s baby memory book on his wedding day.
Dear Coworker, If I’m nodding my head & smiling at everything you’ve said, this means I’m fantasizing about getting banged by David Beckham.
I just had a second grader do an impression of his dad, which included the statement, “I was born in 1990 and I had to grow up watching black and white tv because color tv wasn’t invented yet.”
Sir. 😑
*Hears sound in the middle of the night*
Mildly afraid – it’s an intruder.
Absolutely terrified – it’s going to wake my toddler.
You know why some people wear socks with sandals?Cos they’ve never been punched in the head for it.If you see an offender,do the right thing
I’ll give up my thesaurus when you pry it from my frigid, frosty, frozen, cadaverous, lifeless, stiff, defunct extremities.
Science Deniers will follow you to the ends of the earth.
Ahhh the sweet smell of Christmas
Finally watched Pulp Fiction with my kid, but fast forwarded thru the parts she’s not ready for… best 27 seconds we’ve spent together recently.
[At supermarket]
“Excuse me do you work here?”
WHAT? ME? Work HERE? Hell no. I went to college. I don’t have a job
When I see city workers planting a tree I’m like dude… who’s side are you on?
My washing machine shakes so much it moves across the floor and I’m pretty sure it’s trying to escape because I work it too hard
When my husband annoys me I like to say, “The doctor said I need to lose 10 pounds. What do you think?”
14: Wanna play a game?
12: Sure!
14: Do an impression of Mom
12: Oh that’s easy
14: WITHOUT SWEARING
12: Forget it.The end.
Hell hath no fury like a kid watching his friend sporting the same toy he broke a while ago
How dare you call me mentally unstable, on this, the day of my cat’s quinceanera.
[Ancient Egypt job centre]
– Name?
“Ankhesenamun”
– How do you spell that?
“Reed comb water Ankh, bendy straw water shitting priest”
Just misread a headline ‘Trump wins big’ as ‘Trump bins wig’. I thought: ‘about time too’.
“My parents refuse to photoshop me onto an athlete so I can get into college” #SpoiledKidsComplaints
Home is where the bag filled with plastic bags filled with plastic bags filled with plastic bags is.
*Updates dating profile*
Must be within walking distance due to gas prices.
People that say, “If you already have a couple of kids, what’s a couple more?” have obviously never had four kids.
Packing my daughter’s prom kit…lip gloss, stun gun, pepper spray, switchblade, and I’ve uploaded all 5 seasons of Teen Mom to her iPhone.
so we have ice (water) hockey, field (earth) hockey, and air/table (air) hockey…. folks I believe it is time for fire hockey
*Refuses to go to the gym
Adds resistance training to workout list.
You can see some absolutely disgusting and terrifying things in the subway. I once saw a guy order marinara sauce on his 6” tuna sub.
feeling sad today. can everyone please send cute pictures of their credit card, front and back?
My dad had a new radiator fitted, then realised you could no longer open the drawer. So he remade the drawer like this to correct his mistake. This sort of thing explains a lot of my upbringing.
I follow anyone who has “18+” in their bio.
I’m waiting for them to post the second half of the math problem.
Every day I’m hoping is the day we find out why Beth from FB had enough but didn’t want to talk about it.