Sir, the children at the petting zoo are unhappy. They think our animals are lame
*stares off into distance*
We’re gonna need a bigger goat
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[table of 6 year olds in lab coats]
How are we supposed to find a cure for cooties if we
*bangs fist on table*
CAN’T EVEN FIND WALDO?!
“When I tell you that it’s time to get out of the pool, it means that it’s time to get out of the pool.”
ME: How do you spell ‘inferno’?
BOSS: What?
ME: I’m writing an email
BOSS: Oh my god, the building is on fire!!
ME: Yeah, that’s probably a better way of wording it
unless you’re ryan reynolds driving a taco truck, i ain’t chasing shit
Therapist: ‘Strange. Weird. Odd.’
Me: ‘Am I paying for this?’
I said something about March 31st and my husband said, “Honey, there aren’t 31 days in March.”
Friends, with the most-bro-is-always-right smirk, he pulled his phone out to fact check my ass and then said, “Ha Ha Just Kidding! You know I was kidding right? It was a joke.”
My Kid: (handing me balloons) Daddy, can you make balloon animals?
Me: uh…sure… I can make an eel, or a snake…
My Kid: I want a poodle.
Me:…or a worm…
My Kid: POODLE!
When you’re firing off drunk texts & you see the 3 dots
wife: [kissing me] let’s roleplay
me: ok
wife: pretend you’re my daddy
me: ok
wife I’ve been a bad girl
me: why’d u marry that idiot
Hi, famous people getting DUIs. You know you can probably afford a driver, right? Just a thought.
Ladies, if you think being clumsy is cute, I once stabbed my date in the gums with a fork trying to feed her a bite of spaghetti
A travel of a thousand miles starts with a solo government-charged full-body cavity search at the airport.
I’ve concluded English is my phone’s second language. It’s the only explanation for all the bizarre autocorrects and typos that plague me.
There are shameless and immoral herring having sex in our ponds and lakes right now and I’d like to know what our elected officials are going to do about it
If it looks like a duck & swims like a duck & talks like an angry duck policeman, then you about to fail a sobriety test son
boss: sorry, we have to let you go
me: in the middle of a work retreat?
boss *severing my rock climbing rope*
Hey babe i wanted to marry you but i had to ask your dad first and he said yes so i guess i’m marrying your dad
[sees a shredded guy at the gym]
Me: cake tho
My friend told me he weighs himself before and after going to the toilet to see how much his shit weighs and honestly that’s so much better than my method
If I ever make plans with you, please have backup plans.
*Scrooge McDuck being put in handcuffs*
SM: Unhand me! What is the meaning of all this?!
Cop: Sir, you own half of Wall St. and are a duck
“Sometimes I feel like a woman trapped in a woman’s body” – Russian nesting doll
Just ordered a second airport beer and now worried about making rent
My January credit card bill, aka the Ghost of Christmas Past.
Dear everyone,
I’ve seen all of your tweets this year.
You’re all getting dictionaries for Christmas.Sincerely,
Santa Claus.
i was NOT expecting this 😭 watch till the end
ME: What’s your secret? You’ve barely aged a day in years.
MUSEUM EMPLOYEE: *into walkie-talkie* That guy who keeps talking to the statues is back.
We’re gonna catapult that guy into next Tuesday!
Pedant: Actually…
[pedant being being hurled across the sky via trebuchet]
Interviewer: Why should we hire you?
Me: Well, if you hire me, I will make all of your other employees look FANTASTIC by comparison.
If the interviewer asks where you see yourself in 5 years
Standing naked on top of a fire truck does not appear to be the correct answer