BOSS: Can I see you in my office?
INVISIBLE-MAN: [sigh] I don’t know how many more ways I can explain this to you
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If you’re dying, and have recently lost your car keys, take the opportunity, as your life flashes before your eyes, to try to spot them!
I don’t think it’s real blood, it looks like red paint
-my kid, examining the plastic ax that came with his Halloween costume
Everyone on this flight acting like they’ve never seen anyone peel a sack of hard boiled eggs before.
Wife: did you know hippos kill way more people every year than sharks?
Me: how? by sitting on them? lol.
Hippo: [in the booth next to ours at Denny’s] I’m gonna kill him.
Me: I’m feeling short of breath.
Her: Maybe it’s because you just climbed the stairs after eating an entire party-sized bag of chips?
Me: *rolls eyes* I didn’t put the chips in my lungs, Brenda.
“Ready for the peep show, sailor?”
My daughter made such a cute little doll of me. It even has my real hair. She has it surrounded by some candles, and she’s giving it acupuncture to help the sharp pain in my side go away.
My toddler keeps running over and yelling “BOO!” in my face.
It’s totally unnecessary, though. I’ve been completely terrified of him since the day he was born.
The first rule of kite club is you do not talk about Benjamin Franklin.
Mama Bear: The porridge is ready
Papa Bear: Perfect let’s leave for a couple of hours
We’d like to sincerely apologize for booking the Karate Convention on the same day as the Rare Wooden Boards Fair
“No, you hang up”
No, you hang up.
“No, you hang up”
No, you hang up.
“No you hang up”*slams phone*
Why do I keep calling that parrot?!
Being married for years I thought I knew intimacy…that was until today when my eye dr. decided to sing “dust in the wind” right into my eyeballs
I always wear running shoes while driving because you won’t know what the terrain will be like until after the cop pulls you over.
Damn I went from ‘I miss the bird songs’ to ‘all right that’s a lot of chatter for 5 am’ pretty quick
Boyfriend and Boy friend…..
See that little space between the second one?
Thats called the friend zone!
“no” – me after being asked by the joker if i wanted to know how he got his scars
i should be the upstairs neighbor. i should be the one spilling marbles. it should be me up there
I remember a short time in my life when I didn’t like hot dogs. 5 is a challenging age.
HEY PIGS STOP TRYING TO SWALLOW ENTIRE APPLES YOU KEEP DYING
ME: how old are you?
EGG AND CHEESE SANDWICH UNDER A GAS STATION HEAT LAMP AT 8 PM: im breakfast
ME: and how long have you been breakfast?
You know what else is terrible these days? Quests. They used to be an epic journey to slay a dragon and save the local townspeople. Now it’s just trying to find organic chia seeds in Wholefoods.
*cleaning Dorito dust off of a crayon drawing of Spongebob* yeah I restore art
My husband used the word “analyze” during sex so I’m going to throw myself into on coming traffic now.
Finished stitching this today 😇
Dad Unleashes Haunting Moan Of Satisfaction Upon Descending Into Hot Tub
*walking into Home Depot for 2nd time today*
Back again? Forget something?
-Um, you remember if I brought a kid in here with me last time?
We need to take better care of the ocean because terrifying things live down there & if we destroy their home, they are going to come into ours. If you think traffic is bad now, wait until Cthulhu is sitting in the middle of the highway trying to eat a school bus.
A conga line? Now that‘s something I can get behind