I’m like the lemon seed that sinks to the bottom of your water glass and then shoots up your straw unexpectedly, trying to choke you.
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Of all the millions and trillions of literary devices, hyperbole is my favorite.
Bury me in a werewolf costume so when I come back as a zombie people will be like “lol what”
Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car…..
*caterpillar looks up at sky*
“My dream is to fly a plane one day.”
Other Caterpillar: You don’t pay any attention in science class, do you?
I’m very strong, but not in a get a jar open kinda way.
“But you can’t—“
“Shhh. Hush, my love. It pains me as much as it does you. We burned so hot and so bright, but in the end, we knew this day would come. Look at you and look at me. Our religions forbid this.”
would u rather live through 2020 again or that year where every public place was simultaneously playing radioactive by imagine dragons all the time
I’m at the ‘you fold laundry too loudly’ part of marriage.
I enjoyed JOHN WICK 4 and its over-the-top glee, especially how many stairs he falls down. When you think that’s all the stairs he’s gonna fall down, nope, more stairs
Her: I’ve never had a piercing.
Me: Guess we’re not counting your voice?
My husband is working from home and he’s still late.
[During sex]
GF: I meant to ask before, but you took the test, right?
ME: Yes
GF: Oh thank God
ME: Apparently I’m most like Chandler
Sing me a song you’re the piano man / clean out my pool you’re the gardener /now light up my room you’re a ceiling fan
[Losing my virginity]
Me: *sheepishly* is it ok if I play the Imperial March?
A couple is asleep when their doorbell rings at 3am.
The wife shakes the husband and says “Honey, there’s someone at the door.”
The husband, irritated gets up and opens the door to an obviously drunk man.
“Can I help you?”
“Could you give me a push?” asks the drunk man.…
Me: I love my friends. Their interests? Incredible. Their tastes? Impeccable. I would die for them. If there’s a single thing they asked of me I literally could not possibly hesitate
Friend: Hey check out this cool song
Me: Haha cool maybe
Oh, you like Five Guys hamburgers more than In-N-Out?
*unfollows
*blocks
*stews
*hires assassin on Craigslist
*unblocks to monitor situation
Given the amount of clowns around here you’d think it would be more entertaining
After 9 months and 347 pics of you being pregnant you REALLY only need to post one pic of the baby as proof.
We believe you.
marriage tip: if your wife says she gained weight on vacation and you find out you lost weight – no you did not. in fact, you gained more than her plus you now have diabetes and need an oxygen tank. got it? ok good talk.
[i read a pun]
me: ugh, no[i make a pun]
me: BEHOLD THE ARTISTRY
Met a cute guy named Jack.
I grabbed his hand and dramatically said, “I’ll never let go, Jack!”
He quickly left. It’s okay though. My heart will go on.
My wife asked me why I was speaking so softly at home.
I told her I was afraid Mark Zuckerberg was listening!
She laughed. I laughed.
Alexa laughed. Siri laughed.
6: I like your necklace
Me: Thank you
6: When you die me and my sisters get your jewelry, right
Me: Not if I disown you first
Mom: When I was your age I never had sex
Me: Mom, I’m 32
Mom: Exactly
Relationship Status:
My dog was just licking my ear.
I didn’t stop her.
Eating scrambled eggs directly off the bathroom floor to demonstrate my faith in modern cleaning products
My hometown is so charming. Everyone’s got the spirit animal of gum stuck under the diner table
I’m not saying I did terrible things last night but satan just woke up on my couch and he won’t make eye contact with me.