My boss called me lazy and said I had poor communication skills… I almost responded
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*I enter the bank and draw a weapon*
Teller: holy shit
Me: what
Teller: you suck at art
I told all my neighbors that I have a twin . . . so that when I see them in public I don’t have to talk to them.
I’ve been learning to cook.
I changed the pictures in the bathroom a year ago, my toddler just realized, your understanding is appreciated as she goes through this hard time
My dogs have requested that I stop trying to homeschool them.
cutie flirting w/ me: “Excuse me, how much does a polar bear weigh?” 😉
me, trying to be helpful: “An average male polar bear weighs up to 1,500lbs!”
cutie: “…’enough to break the ice’?”
me: “Haha I hope not, but climate change is having disastrous effects on their habitat!”
Him: how do you call your loverboy?
Me: C’mere loverboy.
Him: and if he doesn’t answer?
Me: ohhhh loverboy
Him: and if he STILL doesn’t answer?
Me:
Him:
Me: FFS, I walk away cause honestly I don’t have time for games.
If you didn’t set the town on fire while covered in pigs blood, did you even go to prom?
I get lots of strange looks because not only do I laugh at inappropriate times but I’m a very loud laugher, it’s a real detriment when you think of a joke while having sex.
Why hasn’t somebody opened a coffee shop next to a courthouse called ‘On What Grounds?’ Send
*first day at gymnastics class*
Teacher: So you mentioned before you were really good at the bars? Let’s see it!
Me: Oh…um, sure? Hey man can I have 2 beers and round of shots for the table cheers bro.
Teacher: *under his breath* damn he’s good
*1st date*
“Nothing’s sexier than a man who can surprise me & make me laugh”
*cut to me in her closet in a clown suit*
“Hellooo soulmate”
People are lot less judgey when you say you ate an ‘avocado salad’ instead of a bowl of guacamole
Hairdresser: what’ll it be
Me: a haircut, dipshit
Film producer: You’re a terrible scriptwriter.
I disagree. Me:
tony soprano is my role model because he’s always lightly sweating and yet still highly respected by his peers
My daughter woke up at 6:06 today instead of her usual 6:00 because we let her stay up 5 hours past her bedtime last night.
So there I was standing in an art gallery quietly appreciating the work when my ex noticed me at a display and decided to approach.
She said “I suppose you like this hideous monstrosity?”
And I said, “That’s a mirror”.
Which was nice.
Karate instructor: Come at me with an attack and I will defend it.
Me: You are stupid.
Instructor: *holding back tears* I meant physically
FYI to my fellow attorneys: If you ask someone if they can pass a drug test, and the person replies, “What KIND of drug test?”…the answer is NO, THAT PERSON CAN’T PASS A DRUG TEST.
9-year-old: No one can read my diary.
Me: I’ll keep your sisters away from it.
9: No, I mean no one can read it. My handwriting is bad.
It’s so hot outside, Kermit just replaced Miss Piggy’s sunscreen with honey glaze
[during sex]
Him: are you on your phone?
Me: it’s called live tweeting maybe you’ve heard of it
Divorce math is ending the year 10lbs heavier but 180lbs lighter
I tell you, it’s so hot out here I saw a bird blowing on a worm before he ate it.
I’ll smash someone’s car window on a hot day if I see they’ve left a chocolate bar melting inside.
wife: you’re drunk
me: I’m not the one who’s all blurry Carol
[on a date with a european]
Hmmm fascinating. Can you tell me about what 400 year old blood feuds your family is involved in?
Texting wasn’t always easy. In my day, you had to work for it. You had to want it. You need an S? You better click that 7 button FOUR TIMES.
me: my fish is very dry
waiter: yes, we had to take him out of the water
me: smart