I just bought one share of stock. I’m a finance bro now.
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Me: This has been the worst day. Nothing can fix this.
*dog climbs on sofa, puts head in my lap*
M: I have never been happier in my life.
Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
Nothing good can come from a gay man greeting you with an up and down look followed by an “Oh, honey”
It’s a comfort knowing Dad is looking down on me, but we should probably cut his hang-glider out of that tree one of these days.
Why do drugs after 30 when you can just stand up too fast?
Gandhi fasted for weeks and remained peaceful. I go three hours without eating and I’m yelling at dust.
You deserve someone who’ll chase you with a chainsaw.
My wife is:
1) Am amazing mom and a great friend
2) Still the most beautiful girl I’ve ever been with
3) Now following me on Twitter
Hogwarts – a magical school or a pig venereal disease? Inquiring minds wanna know
Kilauea volcano is 100,000 yrs old and is active
I’m 48 and I missed my show because the remote was on the other sofa
My 12 yr. old girl is having a sleepover tonight.
She told me, “DO NOT EMBARRASS ME!”
I’m considering twerking to Ace of Base later.
Dear makers of women’s clothing, Pants pockets should be like poetry: DEEP ENOUGH TO BE MEANINGFUL.
CW: Linda! Did you forget the boss is treating us to lunch today?
Me: *mouthful of food*
*blink blink* No I didn’t forget.
Me: I’m 29, I’m not that old! I have my whole life ahead of me.
Me around a 20 year old: I am the grim spectre of death. I have seen empires rise and fall like the endless shifting dunes. Time has no meaning.
Adding urine to your compost is a great way to add nitrogen to the soil AND get a restraining order from the neighbors.
me: [pretends to throw ball for my GF’s dog and laughs]
GF: “you’ll regret that one day”
me: “why?”
GF: “my dog holds grudges”
me: “don’t be stupid”
[one year later]
priest: “does anyone here know why these two should not be wed?”
from the back: “WOOF”
“The floor is larva.”
– Indiana Jones, entering the Temple of Doom
I’m a go with the flow kind of gal unless the flow is after 9pm or involves people I don’t know or parallel parking.
Anybody want to buy some exercise equipment? I’m having a going-out-of-fitness sale.
Me: I’ll have the steak
Waiter: how do you like it
Me: idk I haven’t eaten it yet
That scene in Pulp Fiction where Vincent revives Mia by stabbing her in the chest with an adrenaline shot, except it’s me on a Saturday morning when my kid shoves his finger in my nostril to wake me up.
putting a tray of fancy snacks on the roomba and pretending i have a small idiot butler
Being a baby must be scary, imagine sleeping at home & you wake up at TJMAXX
What kind of educational background do you need to have to work at the gas station that directs teens to their deaths in a horror movie?
Be the reason your therapist reevaluates their entire career.
snow white’s glass casket was the original snow globe and if you think the dwarves didn’t fill it up with glitter and shake her around in there when they got sad, you’re a fool
Almost fell down the stairs. Will try again tomorrow.
do british flat earthers say the world is apartment?
It’s not Christmas until I see Snoopy eating 37 human femurs.