[Doctor’s Office]
Dr: I’m not going to candy-coat this….
Me: *misses bad results of test because I’m imagining a coat made of Skittles*
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Before I became a parent I had no idea there were so many different ways to count to 3.
I have determined there is no quiet way to get a pan out of a cabinet in the morning
Any day now, there will be a country song called “(He broke up with me from) 6 Feet Apart”.
Hey feminists, 70% of a penny for your thoughts?
How do you row a canoe filled with puppies?
Bring out the doggy paddle
Y’know the trouble with nude dancing is that not everything stops when the music does.
I almost walked out of the dentist’s office without putting my pants back on.
I banged my toe really hard on the sofa, and now it won’t stop texting me.
Nothing says I mean business like wearing a hospital gown to the pharmacy.
Another useless change! I’m leaving this app. I just can’t stick around through another update. See you guys back here in an hour.
Me: Ahh finally, some sleep
My brain: Do saltwater fish get thirsty?
Me: Goddamnit
He tripped, and the laundry basket fell to floor, spilling clothes everywhere.
I sat back and watched it all unfold.
Guess I’ve had too much caffeine…I thought this lady was a muppet.
business idea: a dating app that only matches Adams with Steves
When you try to tell a story but start getting anxious and mess it up, that’s a panicdote.
Me: Would you like chopsticks or a fork
My son: No thanks
5yo: What happens when we die?
Me: People fight over your stuff
Delivery!
Mail!
Dog!
Bunny!
A leaf fell!
Wind!
Nothing!
Nothing again!-My dog’s daily announcements
*watching James Blunt mouth “not you” to me after singing You’re Beautiful in concert*
When the doctor told me I only had six months to live, I killed him violently with his own pencil.
Worked a treat.
Got me twenty years.
There was an unattended whistle just lying in the middle of the living room floor so anyway I buried it out in the woods and now we can all move on with our lives
Me: a calm, methodical Navy SEAL when I clog my own toilet
Also me: a terrified, incapable, frozen idiot when I clog yours
ER Doc: you know you could have avoided these 3rd degree burns by walking away from the explosion at regular speed
Me: did it look cool tho
MI5 warned today that Chinese espionage online is being conducted on an ‘epic scale’ in the U.K. Not on our watch, our security systems are 世界上最好的之一。
JUDGE: put ur hand on this book and promise not to lie
PERSON WHO IS IN COURT LITERALY FOR LYING ABOUT THINGS: uh…… ok
Me: can you help with the dishes?
5 [licks dirty silverware] yeah.
me: if reality is a simulation then why is it so cruel
also me: i wonder if i can drown this sim in a pot of spaghetti
A dashcam video of a cop lip-syncing and dancing to a Taylor Swift song went viral, which is just one more reason to hate the police.