I bought a 3D printer, now I can print a moral compass
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“I’m light-headed. I just need to eat.”
-my excuse for everything
There’s been a terrible misunderstanding.
It seems that monkey is the root of all evil.
I do so love when I’m not on twit for a few hours and when I come back there’s something that everyone’s alluding to and I get to slowly piece together what happened like I’m reading the log on an abandoned ship
I don’t usually brag on here, but I just got an email saying I have, and I quote, an “outstanding” medical bill
Me: I’m finally letting myself go gray
Dermatologist: you really need some sun
I swear, even my ex lasted longer than my phone battery does.
Some guy in a strange costume walked up my front steps but when I went to give him some candy he just gave me some mail
If there really was a Purge, and all crime was legal for one night, I’d probably do something super crazy, like loiter.
When men ask you out, you say no, and they demand an explanation: buddy what is this, high school gym class, do I need to hand you a note from my mom like “sorry Isabel is excused from dating random men on the bus today”
[Séance]
*knock, knock*
ME: Wh-who’s there?
[ouija board spells out A-T-C-H]
ME: atch who?
[spells out B-L-E-S-S-Y-O-U]
ME: Dammit, Grandpa!
HER: what are you doing?
ME:
*closes page
*deletes history
*performs factory reset
*throws phone against the wall
nothing why, what’s up?
Claiming that someone else’s marriage is against ur religion is like being angry at someone for eating a donut because ur on a diet.
I just *puff* completed a [leans on wall to steady myself] 5km run in *puff* 30 minutes for the [wipes bucket of sweat from face] first time ever [adds “fit” to bio before collapsing]
[strangers in goat masks dance around a bonfire as I’m being tied to a wooden stake] It’s getting pretty late guys, I should probably head out
[Married Pillow Talk]
Husband: Tell me what you want..
Me: I want you to take our kid to soccer practice tomorrow.
Hey! This isn’t my car!
My bed hair is on point this morning. JK, I look like humans were designed by a mean toddler
Tried going out through the back of my wardrobe today but even Narnia’s closed.
“We need something strong and durable to protect cellphones from damage”
LG: Plastic?
Samsung: Metal?
iPhone 8: What about Glass?
According to my DNA results, I’m 99% high af.
Tequila, because sometimes you and your toilet need to hug it out.
Me: gets up, wakes kids, empties dishwasher, makes lunches, helps make kid beds, does kids’ hair, makes breakfast for everyone, showers, makes coffee, does laundry
Hubs:
“Always bring a nail file, scissors, tweezers, a corkscrew, a toothpick and a bottle opener to a knife fight”
– The Swiss Army
My father used to locate and deactivate land mines for a living. I wish to follow in his footsteps. His EXACT footsteps.
You know your life has changed when you and your spouse spend over an hour breaking down the social scene of a 4yo’s birthday party like it’s an episode of housewives
I can cook, clean, do my own laundry and grogery shop. I think I only need a woman for one thing.
To let me know when I am wrong.
Anesthesiologists are doctors who don’t like having to talk to people.
Friend: Sorry. Are you annoyed?
Me: *chainsaw noises*
Don’t let him know you’re a hologram. Don’t let him know you’re a hologram.
Interviewer: You’ve got the job!
*extends hand*Me: Dammit