I know this now 😂
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Walking my dog in his Halloween outfit and a woman walking the other way asked, “Is that a costume?”
I guess I never realized how realistic his shark costume is.
I don’t lock my car doors, so if someone wants to steal my egg mcmuffin wrappers, Sonic happy hour cups and 47 cents, they’re welcome to it.
When the company finally leaves and you can let one rip..
that.
So creative 😂
Me: You can’t honestly expect me to believe this house isn’t haunted; I can see the ghost walls from here.
Realtor: Those are windows.
it’s cool that your dog can fetch & obey commands but my cat can vomit on the bedspread so quietly that i don’t even wake up and you can’t teach that sort of thing
Yes I am sort of famous you may recognize me from being invited to say the pledge of allegiance over the school speakers in third grade
Titanic passenger: iceberg
Titanic chef: no its romaine
Passenger: *pointing* iceberg!
Chef: oh no!
Passenger:
Chef: we’ve served you the wrong salad
me: I made a model of the himalayas
friend: did you build them to scale?
me: no, just to look at
friend: what
to the scum photoshopping bandanas on my wedding photos, STOP. my wife has a bad memory & is in tears, she thinks she married a bandana guy
I’m not sure who looks more frightened & confused when someone knocks on my door, the dog or me?
Beam me up, Scotty
Seam me up, tailor
Meme me up, internet
Team me up, sports agent
Steam me up, sauna
Dream me up, sleeper
Cream me up, barista
“Wanna see videos from my vacation?”
*shows home video of me eating a raccoon under a bridge
“This is the wrong video”
“No this is right”
I stopped experimenting in bed after the great honey disaster of 2015.
The 90s were a glorious time because you were always surprised where Pizza Hut was going to hide more cheese
I’m ready for Halloween this year
Stop telling everyone I’m posting from earth. People don’t need to know where I live.
No one lays down beats like Gaston, fills the seats like Gaston, when on Twitter nobody tweets like Gaston.
teacher: there’s no such thing as a stupid question
me: are sharks just mean dolphins
teacher: ok i was wrong
Damn it, my wife found the guy who’s been sneaking in at 11pm is the donut delivery guy. Guess I should stop pretending I’m having an affair with him.
ME: i miss my friends, today i will text them
MY BRAIN: it might be weird because you haven’t texted in so long
ME: you are right, i will wait a little longer to text them
My cat: thank you so much for the new luxurious window seat
Me: it’s literally a suitcase on a chair
My cat: it’s perfect I love it
My cat: the folded sweatpants on top are a nice touch too
Her: I don’t even know what the cloning machine does
Me: Well that makes two of us
Having kids is like continually cleaning up after a huge party that you didn’t attend.
Call your doctor if there are more than 4 wolves inside of you.
I hear they’re banning honking up there in Canada. Those geese are gonna be pissed…
The egg whites carton in my fridge looked like the creamer carton and now I have omelette coffee.
[the inventor of golf] How can we monetize getting angry in a field?
When I was 16, my parents sat me down to give me “the talk” about professional wrestling.
interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills?
me: yes that number is zero