Me: *wakes up to pee at 4:30*
My brain: Oh good, you’re awake!
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Maybe the refrigerator doesn’t see anything it wants in you either.
I eat the first half of a burrito to get full, I eat the second half to teach myself a lesson
Deadpool was Green Lantern
Batman was Daredevil
Captain America was Human Torch
And we’re just gonna walk around like EVERYTHING is OK???
I have a Polish friend who is a roadie for a band.
I have a Czech one too. A Czech one too. Czech one too.
If you are fasting you can’t swallow that piece of food that’s been between your teeth for the past 17 hours.
This may be not be a mainstream opinion, but I don’t believe you should cut down a Christmas tree unless you intend on eating it.
[to the murderer hiding in the backseat of my car]
neither this car nor this murder will go anywhere until you put your seatbelt on, mister
I ate 2 Three Musketeers candy bars. That’s SIX musketeers. Which is 5 musketeers too many.
The wife is approaching! *Close Twitter, close favstar, close youporn, close match .com, delete history, open google and stare at screen
So my husband told me that his coworker gave him homemade bath bombs over the holidays & that he tried one & it didn’t dissolve v well but he’d never used one before & thought it was normal. He left the other one for me & I just tried it. It. Is. A. COOKIE.
I. FORGOT.
I. FORGOT.
I put my pants on like everyone else, 2 seconds before the zoom meeting starts.
It’s a comfort knowing Dad is looking down on me, but we should probably cut his hang-glider out of that tree one of these days.
me: *pounding on son’s locked bedroom door* open up this instant! this is my house
son: no it isn’t, you have a mortgage so it’s the bank’s house. have someone from wells fargo come and tell me
me: [to wife] i knew we shouldn’t have gotten him those personal finance books
Clark Kent is such a hipster.
He has fake glasses, still uses phone booths, & prides himself as being the only one who hasn’t seen Superman
I hate when people ask if my newborn is a “good baby” and I have to tell them that he cries a lot and about how he keeps robbing banks
Perfume is designed to be an invisible accessory.
It’s not designed to instantly kill the canary when you entered the room.
uncle ben: remember pete, with great power comes great responsibility
peter parker: you’re right i should stop crimes with my webs
uncle ben (scared): ok.
Wife [asking serious questions during NFL™ kickoff] …
Me [screaming at tv] yes! Yes! YES!!
Wife: okay! Yay!! [adopts 13 cats]
me alone with my thoughts vs me alone with my thoughts five minutes later
Look for the opportunities in life. Like when nobody’s looking and you can finally address that wedgie.
My spirit animal is an upturned turtle.
DOCTOR STRANGE: We are on the event horizon of the future being sucked into the past. The reversal of all we know will be the end of all
DOCTOR NORMAL: I’m not sure strep throat is THAT bad
Either I just saw a bat in the garden or the mice are using hand-gliders to avoid our cat.
Nature documentarian (weeping): I know it’s against our non-interference policy, but we have to intervene and put this poor creature out of its misery. This is just cruel.
Me (holding 3rd bowl of cereal): What are you people doing in my apartment?
After he loses, everyone who supported Trump should have to spend a year on an island where he gets to make all the decisions.
birds are named like red cockaded woodpecker and black headed grosbeak and no one says shit about it
[at the candy shop with 50 Cent] what do you mean metaphor
Genie: I’ll give you more wishes, I feel bad for you
Me: [with 3 ice cream cones on the ground] That’s very nice of you
Thoughts that keep me awake….
why don’t flamingos have one really muscley leg?
*this tweet is brought to you by rum…*