I was not ready for the 70yo couple at the doctor’s office go from ones concern for the other’s low blood sugar to screaming at each other about talking too loudly. Right next to me in an almost empty waiting room.
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@ConanOBrien My friend is an EMT and would do well at Trivia Mornings because…you guessed it…she is a first responder.
The children seemed disappointed when I told them the best part about being an adult is going to bed early.
purposely bought tall lace up boots so I’ll never have to be anywhere on time again
No
one
yums like Gaston
Eats iced plums like Gaston
Knows you saved them but craves them, succumbs like Gaston
I went to the doctor yesterday. Because “was attacked by geese” is on my medical record, first question every time from both nurse & doctor is, “Any more trouble with geese?”
Homosexuals please help me. I think my hamsters are gay. How do I let them know it’s okay?
my boss was like “people working from home are just pretending to work” and it’s like, dude, what do you think i’m doing in the office?
Things drunk me has in common with toddlers:
– no idea where my shoe is
– demands McDonalds
– won’t shut up about dinosaurs
– not allowed to have a whistle
You think 2020 is bad, wait till 2025 when the Murder Ladybugs invade.
I just clipped my little toe on patio furniture. Prayers needed for my husband who rearranged everything without telling me.
Guy walking in on me in the bathroom
Me: Excuse me. I’m on the phone.
Me: You should do that sexy thing you did a few weeks ago more often.
Her: When I was dancing in my panties?
Me: No…Cooking
For a brief moment, I got excited because I thought my toothpaste said anti-plague instead of anti-plaque.
God: ok u can make one human that’s it
Satan: how do u feel about toupees & the name Donald
*spends 45 minute drive trying to perfectly crack open my car window*
[first date]
him: I’m a cat person.
me: [trying to impress]
*bites him when he tries holding my hand
*punches a fish* that’s for tsunamis
A doctor’s 5 minutes is longer than a woman’s 5 minutes, so if a female doctor tells you she’ll back in be 5 minutes…you’re screwed.
Start your day with the confidence of a 5yo who thinks he knows how to tie his shoes.
TITANIC: GOING DOWN!
LOBSTER: MAKE A RUN FOR IT! WE’RE FREE!
Therapist: did the other kids tease you back in school?
Me: no
Therapist: no come on, they must have
*raises the last donut to the sky like Simba*
Fun Prank: put a live turtle and a tiny pair of nunchucks in your toilet before your guests arrive
<enter password>
me
<password is too short>
meonstilts
<password must have at least one special character>
meandbatmanonstilts
GOOD COP: Give us a name!
PERP: Never!
TED TALK COP: Imagine a world where every single human has-
PERP: Okay I’ll talk, please just stop!
I really do like you, but I only share my alcohol with people I really like.
Me muttering when my husband takes a sip of my drink.
Me: That’s a very interesting sculpture
Her: It’s Mayan
Me: Yes, I know it’s yours. You don’t have to be a jerk about it
Me to alien:
I, too, try to live among people undetected
My brain considers names irrelevant information.
Every time I meet someone new and they introduce themselves, my brain just goes “nope, that name goes in the bin”
Anyone else ever hit the pizza button on the microwave and hope that pizza would be there?