My wife handles our kids like a boss. The only problem is she make me do it too 😂
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Air Canada says 20,000 mobile app users have been affected by a data breach. On the upside, the hackers might know where your lost luggage is.
for $5 i will write “yikes” under one of your ex’s selfies
I haven’t had a boyfriend in so long I’m down to my last hoodie
i can’t wait that long
the worst thing about getting attacked by a crocodile is that your friends will probably scream “watch out for that alligator!” and then you will have to explain to them the difference while it’s eating your face
[driving to occult ceremony]
“I’m just gonna have one sacred elixir”
[2 hours later]
[floating in midair chugging straight from the ram’s skull] BEQUEATH ME ANOTHER
Took the kids to the park so wifey could get a break.
5, loudly, as soon as he steps inside: Hmmmm, it’s still a mess in here!
Me: *locking him inside and walking away* You’re on your own now buddy!
Kids are the worst CIA agents. I KNOW WATERBOARDING SUCKS KATIE BUT YOU CAN’T TELL THE TALIBAN EVERYTHING FOR A CAPRI SUN YOU IDIOT
Me: When the cocoon hatches, the caterpillar turns into a butterfly.
4-year-old: That’s it?
Me: What did you want it to be?
4: A dragon.
The most abundant animal in the world is the chameleon. Scientists disagree with me but they’re only counting the ones they can see
At my funeral play the Super Mario original theme until my casket is lowered in the ground then play the underground music
[creating flamingos]
god: here’s your legs
flamingo: can I just have 1
god: no u have to use 2
flamingo: [narrows eyes & sucks teeth] we’ll see about that
Today is national pet day. There is no touching of people in national pet day. I know this now.
Wanna know what it’s like being married?
Chain yourself to a wild animal.
Now kick the animal.
I wonder if somewhere there’s a seal colony that likes listening to a singer named Human.
Me: *cutting fingernails*
Man next to me on bus: please stop cutting my nails
So it turns out the child that cost me the most money in the Legoland store……was me.
I drink because I care. About me. And drinks.
JOHN MAYER: i wanna run through the halls of my high school
ME: i do not relate
JOHN MAYER: i wanna scream at the top of my lungs
ME: [nodding] ok now we’re talking
I never wanted to believe that my Dad was stealing from his job as a road worker. But when I got home, all the signs were there.
My daughter came downstairs and gave me the last bite of her favorite candy. She’d learned to share, and I was proud.
Then her brother came downstairs asking who ate all of his candy. “WE did!” my daughter declared. She’d learned to share blame, and I was even prouder.
Treadmills:
The only thing worse than running, is running and going nowhere.
Pretty insulting when you wake up in a bathtub of ice and they left all your organs.
My daughter asked me if I’d be very upset if she didn’t live with me when she’s a grownup so I told her I’d try my best once I stopped laughing
(first week into weight watchers)
You think I can get an advance on next week’s calories?
Dear Customer Service: First of all, you should know that Im typing this with my middle finger.
BANK ROBBER: I said keep your hands up!
ME: *Exasperated sigh* The whole time?!
We have 25 people coming over tomorrow for a bbq. 6 moms. 6 dads. 13 toddlers under the age of 4. My husband said if I took our girls out today that he’d ‘get the house ready.’ What did he clean in the 2 hours we were gone? The top of the fridge. He cleans the TOP OF THE FRIDGE.
Coffee in the morning
More coffee at night
Coffee in the afternoon
Unless you wanna fight
[Fancy restaurant]
DATE: *seductively* I like a man who knows what he wants
ME: *way too loudly* THERE’S NOT ENOUGH KETCHUP ON MY TATER TOTS