A political analyst said we can defeat ISIS by “crippling them financially” so maybe we can sneak into Syria and build them a Whole Foods.
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BOSS: Welcome aboard! This is the time clock—
ME: All clocks are ‘time’ clocks, you simpleton.
The only thing worse than your kid bringing home a drawing to hang on the fridge is when another kid gifts your kid a drawing and they want to hang it on the fridge.
What kind of bait does a librarian use when he goes fishing?
A bookworm!
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
#ThursdayThoughts #ThursdayVibes
normalize being naked at the laundromat so u can wash ALL ur clothes
I called my girlfriend using my friend’s phone, she picked the call & said “hi sweetheart”, she knew it’s me even when I didn’t speak a word, TRUE LOVE EXISTS. ❤️❤️🥺🥺💋💋😘😘
Ordering surgeries off the secret menu at the doctor’s office.
Me: What’s a six-letter word for “unhurriedly?”
Wife: Slowly.
Me: [sigh] W-h-a-t…i-s…a…s-i-x…
I’m on a walk with my 4 year old. There’s not another person in sight. I’ve tapped her on her far shoulder three times already and each time she’s stopped, turned around, and looked confused as hell. We’ve still got a long walk ahead–I’m going to go for the world record.
Just told my toddler to eat 5 bites of her dinner, to which she replied I was horrible. So I counted the number 3 twice. Biotch.
I must be ill – I thought I saw a sausage fly past my window, but it was actually a seabird. I think I’ve taken a tern for the wurst.
I want my tombstone to say “Actually, i’m feeling much better”
who else gets a little disappointed when the emergency broadcast test isn’t an actual emergency? it’s like, hurry up already aliens
the most unrealistic thing about stranger things is how max was the only character who was advised to seek psychological help
I serve garlic bread at every meal, but these blood-sucking vampires still haven’t moved out.
[dinner, my place]
“This tastes like pork?”
ME: You asked for a nice swine
“No, a nice wine”
ME: Oh, okay…you still want the crap cakes?
Her: My computer is running so slow!
Me: Really? How many browser tabs do you have open?
Her:
Me: Is it less than 500?
Her: Never mind.
I’m so tired, I’m thinking of visiting my grandma just so I can take a swig outta her oxygen tank.
The CIA should be exclusively recruiting women over 60 as spies – we are invisible and no one can hear us
[at bar]
Him: Why’s a pretty girl like you sitting all alone?
Me: I peed my pants.
I learned a few things in Twitter Jail last night.
1. My wife’s name
2. How to make a shank from a phone charger
3. I need Twitter
greys anatomy is so unrealistic. there is no way you can have sex in a place that smells like a hospital
I’m not Madagascar, I’m just disappointedgascar
9-year-old: *swings an umbrella*
Me: That’s not a toy.
9: I know. It’s a weapon.
me: *popping balloons*
kid: you’re mean
me: do YOU want to smuggle the heroin
Why is judge the only job where you can bang a little hammer to make people shut up I’ve needed that in literally every job I’ve had
Scott Baio: i’m Scott Baio and i endorse Donald Trump
Trump: who the hell is Scott Baio
Scott Baio: you know, Chachi
Trump: say Chachi then
Iron: you’re always trying to turn me into something I’m not!
Blacksmith:
I don’t know where it went wrong, but even Barbie has a nicer house and car than me.
“As a creative person I’m often asked where I get my ideas.” Yeah. As a creative person you often imagine people doing that but they don’t.
Him: It’s been like 30 years, I think you should let it go.
Me: It could still happen.
Him:
Me: [to my John Taylor Duran Duran poster] He’s just jealous.