Apocalypse life hack: mute the news and play White Stripes “seven nation army”. It’s still horrible but it feels so much cooler
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[January 1, 0000]
Joseph: wtf just happened to the calendar?
Mary: so weird
Study: People with children live longer.
People with children: Shit.
A lot of folks out there missing the point…
Christ! How many beers did I have last night?!
“You’re only as old as you feel.”
Me, feeling 300 yrs old: Yes, thank you. So inspiring.
Not saying I found that jet, but is there a reward?
pulling petals off a forget-me-not but it’s just me trying to figure out if the weather this weekend is snow or thunderstorms
Sorry for throwing mice at your wedding.
I still think my biggest regret is asking a girl out, and replying “me too” after she told me she had a boyfriend
[baby throws up all over the couch]
Cmon dude, I let you live here for free
Don’t worry, you’re not the first person to misinterpret my flirting as food poisoning
In a parallel universe, Two bars walk into a man.
When my wife does our daughter’s hair: “How about a double French braid swirled into a fancy bun?”
When I do her hair: “How about a hat?”
‘Tis the season when you think about your loved ones…
…and realize that although you love them, it’s not that “rush one-day delivery” fee kind of love. Ever.
If someone is choking the best thing to do is ask them if they’re okay repeatedly then if that fails give a concerned look until resolved.
Got excited because I found $20 in the laundry. Then I remembered my kids don’t have jobs and the money was probably mine.
Judge: State your name.
Me: Not Guilty
Judge: What?
Me: I had it legally changed.
Judge: You’re Not Guilty?
Me: *moonwalks outta there*
A moment of silence for our dear friend, liquid water, who did not survive the 100° temperature… You will be mist…
I saw six men kicking and punching the mother-in-law. My neighbor said ‘Are you going to help?’ I said ‘No, six should be enough.’
The first rule of Illiteracy Club is no reading. That was a test, and you failed. You’re failing now. You’re not welcome in Illiteracy Club.
Do you Karen promise to love and to cherish Mark, always put the toilet paper on the roll over the top, and not leave crumbs in the butter?
God only gives you what you can handle. Really? Because I’m pretty sure I could handle way more money.
I’ve invented a new cologne that is just one part bug spray and three parts campfire
That’s no pocket rocket.
You’re invited to my Oscar party! The theme is movie star cuisine which means there won’t be any food.
Ok, but like, how married are you?
I have 11 pictures of myself from high school. My daughter has 11 pictures of herself from this morning.
My therapist thinks I should keep coming in for at least one more washer & dryer
“Well-behaved women seldom make history,” I quietly say as I don’t wait the full 10 minutes for the oven to preheat.
Dear Karma:
I don’t understand, he hasn’t been mauled by a lion yet.
XO,
Me