If dogs named famous people, we would have:
-Bark Wahlberg
-Bark Zuckerberg
-Bark Hammill
-Bark Obama
-Charles Barkley would still be Charles Barkley
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Dog: Dude, I’m your best friend.
Me: You shit on the carpet today.
Dog: *sighs* Look around you, Fitz. I’m still your best friend.
Why do we “shush” our dogs when they bark at the postman when 98% of our mail is bills?
Dogs get it.
Next time, join in.
“Latte” is Latin for: You paid too much for that coffee.
Couldn’t remember the name ‘komodo dragon’ earlier so I called it a biguana.
The first guy to ever throw water at girl in a white shirt probably broke the record for the number of high-fives received in one minute.
Women aren’t complicated. Just give us attention and leave us alone.
Me, responding to a text at 2 am: Oh they should be asleep so I’ll be free from talking until the morning
Them: *texts back in 30 seconds*
Me: I hate you
Me: what do you want for dinner?
3yo: nothing.
Me: you want cheese on that nothing?
3yo: yes please.
This dude messaged me to tell me to just block the dudes that annoy me so I replied “good idea” and then blocked him and he was so right it felt so great
Alcohol because no great conversation ever started over a salad !
Contactless food delivery be like, what if ding dong ditch had a happy ending?
Sorry, I’m in a hurry, lets talk while we walk… You go that way.
“Paypal me your lunch money!” -Cyber Bullies
Avocados were 5 for $2 so anyway that’s how I ended up paying $2 to eat one avocado
“My family doesn’t have a black sheep,” I say, while everyone avoids eye contact.
My friend used a fancy new charcoal soap and now she looks sketchy.
Save money on your next colon exam, grammar police do it for free
*scampers over to ice cream truck*
Yes, I’ll take the SpongeBob who looks like he just opened the Ark of the Covenant, please.
Had a big fall out with wife and ended up sleeping in my office for a week. Boss saw I was still there when she left each night and there before her each morning and gave me a promotion. Wife and I sorted things out too, best fight ever.
I yelled at my cat and the other cats yelled at me like wow k pay my mortgage then
Me: “As a single dad, I find that–”
Her: “Uhhh, we’re married.”
Me: “Right, but I’m the only dad.”
Waiter: And what would you like sir?
Me: I’d like the entire restaurant to stop gasping every time I say something.
Entire restaurant: *gasps*
Years ago, someone discovered that white wine removes red wine stains, and all I can say is that must have been a hell of a party.
It’s like my therapist always says, “Please, put on your pants.”
Just ate a burrito the size of a baby *coughs up pacifier*
Welcome to Starbucks how may I help you?
“Regular coffee with cream please”
That’s $40, 5ml of unicorn tears, and 10 dragon scales.
“TEN?”
Them: what charity are you raising money for?
Me: *in a bath of beans* raising money?
My dog just saved my life by ferociously barking at nothing outside.