The existence of an earthworm and a heartworm implies there must be a fire, wind, and waterworm
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Stores today are like, thanks for buying this gum, please tip us 20%, apply for our credit card, and round up to save the children. Also fill out this survey.
All carpentry tool names were created by someone in desperate need of sex.
Stress makes you gain weight as you get older.
So I’m basically a puffer fish now.
Hollywood hasn’t remade Spiderman in a couple weeks. I hope they’re okay.
If all the Domino’s employees in the world held hands, you’d have to make your own pizza.
Accidentally sucked up a ghost in my vacuum cleaner, not sure what the protocol is for this
My friend Luke didn’t realise until he was an adult that lukewarm was a real temperature, he thought it was just a term his mum used to describe his bath water.
I’ve always wanted to buy 2 coffees, take them to a crime scene & while handing 1 to the officer in charge ask, “So, what do we have here?”
I’m thankful for my Twitter family. Without you people, I’d still just be talking to myself
“Doc, it’s embarrassing, but I don’t feel sexy.”
“Try wearing the wife’s panties.”
“Really?”
“Yeah, the red ones with the lace are nice”
Does anyone want a free microwave? Contact me. We can talk about how we both want a free microwave
Dear fork,
I just wanted to inform you that you have a son. His name is Spork.
Love always,
Spoon PS: he has your hair.
Just choking her is overrated. Fill the bed up with legos and choke slam her into the bed.
– “I love Beyoncé…
– Whatever floats your boat mate.
– No, you’re thinking of ‘buoyancy’.
– …”
your Covid tweet is so 3 variants ago 🙄
Oh, you like Thanksgiving?
Name 3 pilgrims.
[birthday shopping for Wife at Tiffany]
Me: diamond bracelet?
Clerk: $10,000
Me: cubic zirconia?
Clerk: $5,000
Me: glass?
Clerk: $2,000
Me: beaded plastic?
Clerk: $1,000
[later]
Wife: [opening present] is-is this a friendship bracelet?
Me: I made it myself : )
People who are bad at hiding, I see you
The inventor of auto-correct walked into a bar and ordered a bear.
The real power of a man…
Is the size of the smile on his woman’s face sitting next to him.
Another great day of being Everyone’s Personal Assistant. Today I helped a young man in his search for love ❤️👍
[throws milk at cows]
go be with your family
wife: You’re going to work like that?
me: Yeah, it’s casual day
[20 minutes later]
me *calls wife* Can you bring me some pants?
There is nothing sadder than waking and turning to see the love of your life’s face to find she has deflated in the night.
Wife, lecturing son: You can’t just “wing it” your entire life
Me, later to my son when we’re alone: You actually can just wing it, you just can’t tell people that’s what you’re doing
sleeper makes drafting your fantasy team easy👇
Bob the Builder: can we fix it?
Bob’s Wife’s Attorney: please just sign the papers, Robert.
[driving home in silence]
me: all i said was her husband was a really down-to-earth guy
gf: they were lowering his coffin
I’ve got a neighbor who’s really into morons. I should introduce her to you guys.
The houseplant died inside, so I threw it out, and now it’s growing in the driveway just to spite me.