“Do you know why I pulled you over?”
“You thought I’d like your pretty lights?”
“Recite the alphabet backwards”
“I can’t even do that sober”
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surgeon: you can’t lift anything over ten pounds for 6 weeks.
me: how am i supposed to pee?
*surgeon high-fives me*
My toddler poured a bottle of lavender essential oil on the floor and I’m calling bullshit on the whole calming effect claim.
Feeling extremely smug after being the best at pulling over to let an ambulance pass
*shows up to the funeral in the same outfit as the deceased*
*steps on Lego*
*stumbles backwards and trips over more Legos*
*throws all Legos away*
*Grandparents buy more Legos for Christmas*
Why not call baby pigs “hamlets” ?
deleting dating apps because i want to meet someone the old fashioned way (riding an unsinkable luxury ship right into an iceberg)
(A world where everyone is named Bethany)
Bethany: what should we name our child?
Bethany: Bethany
I’m glad we’re finally banning plastic straws. It’s about time we started caring about camels and their fragile backs
Kid being grounded in 1978:
YOU CAN’T GO OUTSIDE. YOU MUST STAY IN YOUR ROOM.
Kid being grounded in 2018:
YOU CAN’T STAY IN YOUR ROOM. YOU MUST GO OUTSIDE.
[on shark tank]
Me: A thermostat that’s impossible to change
Baby shark: I’m out
Mommy shark: I’m out
Daddy shark: …Go on
[party]
her: [seductively] hey baby, u wanna get out of here?
me: oh hell yeah
her: awesome, we’d all appreciate it
get yer dragons here! get yer dragons… I have menthol and non-menthol, get yer dragons!!
excel: ope you don’t need that leading zero right
me: yes. that’s why i typed it th-
excel: there you go we’ve cleaned up all leading zeros
me: i need tha-
excel: zeros are icky
Just discovered that the self checkout area is not what you’d think.
*sleeping*
Heartburn: LIKE HELL YOU ARE
I like to switch browsers as often as possible. They all prompt to make them the default browser. It feels nice to be fought over.
Stick it to the man
Does anybody know the long term exit strategy for the clapping thing?
These racing car drivers are making a lot of pit stops.
You’d think they would have went before the race.
The big phone companies don’t want you to know that you can get a free call whenever you want by punching a cop.
Two days after I bring my newborn daughter home from the hospital:
22 month old son: When’s she going back?
Me: Back where?
Son: To her house at the hospital.
Me: She lives with us now.
Son: Mommy, you’re not making
good choices.
Alright! Everyone that got a DM containing a map to my treehouse, meet there in 15 mins. Those who didn’t, maybe consider being nicer to me.
Hell hath no fury like a cat reminded there’s food in their bowl.
Summer is the best because there’s always a chance I’ll see someone trip on their own flip flop
i used to steal a bunch of digestion meds as a kid and all the cvs’s around town had a wanted sign calling me klepto bismol
Little kid *stubbing toe*: Gosh dang it!
[heaven]
Gosh: Why is it only kids get my name right?
Jeez Louise: Tell me about it.
PRO TIP:
Using a Starbucks cup to ask for change makes me think I’m worse off than you
newspaper editor: can you do a short local weather report?
me: it’s fine by me
newspaper editor: that’s perfect, thanks!