Government: You owe us money. It’s called taxes.
Me: How much do I owe?
Gov’t: You have to figure that out.
Me: I just pay what I want?
Gov’t: Oh, no we know exactly how much you owe. But you have to guess that number too.
Me: What if I get it wrong?
Gov’t: You go to prison
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BIDEN: That went well.
OBAMA: Did you have to say you loved Trump’s sons in Twilight?
BIDEN: It’s what I do.
Dropped a peanut butter cracker and no one came running so of course my first thought was that the dogs had been raptured.
we talk a lot of shit about men but without them we wouldn’t have forensic files, 48 hours, dateline, some 20/20s, serial, on the case with paula zahn, cold case, my favorite murder, making a murderer, homicide hunter,
“hey mister can i pet your dog?”
“sure kid”
“what kind is he?”
“that there’s a pure beef vienna son careful don’t get mustard on your shirt”
* Kindergarten*
Hi kids! I’m the homeroom mom for your class. [writes name on chalkboard]
[Boy Raises hand]
We can’t read. No one can read
It’s so disappointing when you visit someone’s house for the first time, and they don’t have a dark room filled with processing photos of you.
Why does it take 3 minutes to burn meat and 4 days to thaw it?
[inventing a new flavor Dorito] what’s the last thing you stepped on
[Fortnite with 9]
9 y/o: Dad can I make you party leader?
Me: Sure, why?
9 y/o: So we can have easier matches since you’re so bad.
To the person that put “SMILE” as their name on the printer… I will not!! In fact, I will hunt you down and force you to watch me frown.
Me: Cook it al dente.
Waiter: This is Red Lobster.
*cold day in hell
Satan: Dammit! Did some band get back together?
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Why don’t they put a scratch and sniff box on recipes?
My wife made me pack my own bag for vacation and now I have to figure out how to wear potato chips.
What I say: It’s time to get dressed.
What My Kid Hears: It’s time to perform a Christmas Concert in your room.
I’m shaking my hands to get my nail polish to dry and now this deaf guy outside wants to know how the story ends.
“delete your account” and what, leave my children NOTHING
Dating someone that actually likes you is wild. Like, what do you mean this person wants me around? And tries to get to know me? And asks what my blood type is? Or if I have both kidneys? Or if I wanna fly out & meet them alone in an abandoned hospital? It’s nice to feel wanted.
What do ppl who say “please excuse the mess” when their house is like a museum, want from us?
Million dollar idea: a shirt made out of eyeglass cleaning cloth
Either I stood up too quickly or this quart of vodka was deliciouser than I thought.
The Royal Family is doing casting calls for blurry white women with brown hair.
Blurry girlies everywhere are like this is our time
*checks pockets for phone 53 times before jumping in pool*
*skinny dips to be on the safe side*
OK I watch a lot of Dateline BUT: like 80% of the murders happen in small towns and the episode starts with someone saying “things like this don’t happen in small towns.”
Like – lady, watch Dateline 🤷♀️
The Dalai Lama prefers quiet restaurants in order to find dinner peace.
“Why have a ballroom, with no Balls?”
-Disney’s Frozen
I paused the movie to tweet this…
I was in a debate and someone defended their position by saying, “Opinions can’t be wrong”
I said, “In my opinion, opinions CAN be wrong. Thus proving the existence of at least one wrong opinion.”
Arm falls off
Wife: You don’t drink enough water.
Have to get my driver’s license renewed today, so naturally I spilt coffee on my shirt.