Standing outside your window holding a rotisserie chicken above my head.
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I highly recommend anything.
– Stoners.
Her: We’re having twins!
Me: WHO IS THE OTHER FATHER?!?!!
@mariana057 If an Apple Store is in disrepair, is it an iSore?
Never let the fear of failure keep you from failing.
Rival dad invited us over for dinner and I offered to sharpen his kitchen knives right in front of his wife and kids.
If I offended anyone in the last 24 hours sorry but I forgot my medication and I ran out or premium beer and my son’s dating a scientologist
[Deletes duplicate memes on my phone]
“Weigh me now”.
The heaviest things in the world:
4) iron
3) lead
2) tungsten
1) a toddler who doesn’t want to be picked up
Group of 12 year old girls: We’re scared of boys. Me: OMG, me tooooooo!
Wife: Can you turn on the oven?
Me: [starts dancing seductively in front of oven]
Wife: why for everything
[at a party]
Host: may I take your coat?
Me: nah I’ll be needing that in about 10 minutes
Why don’t they just get Jehovah’s Witnesses to deliver the mail?
Paris Hilton is worried ISIS will target her because she’s famous. Paris Hilton doesn’t realize that ISIS didn’t exist in 2004.
At my funeral, I’m stipulating in my will that after the eulogy is read the crowd can have 15 minutes for rebuttal, just to be fair.
Boss: “I want it on my desk by 9 on Monday”
Me: “Say no more”
[Monday]
Boss: “Where’s my report?”
Me: “Shhh”
me: *finally falling back asleep in the middle of the night*
my brain: *make her think she heard the doorbell*
I don’t get the concept of Beach House Hunters. You don’t have to hunt a house. Especially on the beach. It has nowhere to hide
I’ve reached that age where I don’t have to drink to forget because it just happens naturally now.
Creepy Singles in your area want to sniff your panties and drink your bath water
So Mother Theresa puts a dish towel on her head and she’s a “saint” but when I put a dish towel on MY head I’m “drunk in the kitchen again?”
HER: Can I give you my new number?
ME: *Eye roll* I REALLY doubt you came up with a number I don’t already know.
ME: Can I buy you a drink?
HER: I have a boyfriend.
ME: {counting coins on the table} He can only get something small then.
I marched in a high school band, caught an armed robber, and sold girl scout cookies. All I was trying to do was find my car.
People ask me what my secret is to losing weight and I tell them not having money to buy food
No one gaslights better than a toddler caught red-handed.
[Toddler covered in icing]
Did you touch the cake?
NO YOU DID
How to make her squirt: make sure she is a lime
If she licks all the frosting off her face with a single 360 degree sweep of the tongue, she might be Scooby Doo.
The cheese grader saw me walk in the house with a bag of shredded cheddar and shit got real awkward.
My wife and I have started making videos of plates and bowls that we’re selling from home while snowed in.
Now is the winter of our dish content.