Living in Switzerland wouldn’t be so bad. The flag is a plus.
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The goose: Canada’s most violent saxophone.
You may be little now, but don’t be discouraged. Someday, you’ll be a man just like me.
*baby starts crying*
It was when I stabbed a Capri Sun perfectly the first time, right in that grey circle, that I knew I wanted to be an assassin.
date: I think we’ve actually met before
picasso: sorry I’m not good with faces
[Me as a babysitter]
ME: *rings the parents* We have a problem. I picked up your son David from school and he seems freaked out
HER: My son is Robert
ME: We have 2 problems
Ya I am too Dave it’s nothing to be proud of
[seance]
wife: “if there are any spirits here please show us a sign”
me:
wife:
me:
wife: “keith, say something”
me: “im scared”
[glass starts to move on ouija board]
H I S C A R E D
me: “goddamnit dad”
I hope my dog doesn’t turn out weird because she’s being homeschooled.
“You’ve got a friend in me.”
– Cannibals, probably
[robber breaks into my house] i always knew you’d come for me, my darling. where are you going
(Cereal Mascot Support Meeting)
TRIX BUNNY: I don’t understand why I can’t have any of the cereal.
LUCKY CHARMS LEPRECHAUN: I don’t understand why these kids keep stealing mine.
FREDDY KREUGER: I think I’ve wandered into the wrong group, but have any of you thought about murder?
Everyone giving me crap about wearing these yoga leggings to work…just because I don’t do yoga.
*holds seashell to ear*
“We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty”
Support bacteria
They’re the only culture some people have.
I feel lethargic today. Probably has nothing to do with the two thousand grams of white sugar consumed yesterday.
Fixed this for Shakespeare
Remember being a kid and writing “FiretrUCK” everywhere, thinking your parents wouldn’t get it? My dad just figured it out and spanked me 🙁
We only teach “stop, drop and roll” to put out fire but honestly if you do it in pretty much any social situation it will also stop that.
Yeah yeah “Friends with Benefits” are cool but have you tried “Friends with Batteries”? Less drama!
My kid was very impressed with herself for selecting the pink scented garbage bags, which is interesting because I was unaware that she even knew how trash worked
I peeled off the sticker that said “Don’t consume alcohol while on medication.”
I don’t need that kind of negativity in my life.
Me: [getting mugged]
THANK YOU FOR WEARING A MASK
Having a mustache is a great way to stop people from drawing a mustache on you in permanent marker while you sleep.
Is a person diagnosed with a Multiple Personality Disorder able to get a group rate from their therapist? Just asking for some friends.
Over the past month I’ve been losing my hoodies/sweaters/etc. Today I found all of them under my bed. Turns out I’ve been taking them off in my sleep when I’m too hot and shoving them behind me into the gap between my mattress and headboard
mom: you waste your money on stupid stuff
me: you’re right. btw how’s that panini press working out?
mom:
me: making a lot of paninis with that thing?
My wife doesn’t believe that auto correct changed “Yes dear” to “Hell no I’m not picking your mother up from the airport at 1am.”
On my first day of lifeguard duty two people drowned but I won two games of Words with Friends so it was kind of a wash.
It’s a doge eat doge world out there. Such cutthroat. Very survival of the fitter
The flower shop ladies are so judgmental. Seriously, all I asked them to do is wrap the flowers and write the note to my wife “Sorry for being a week late, Happy belated anniversary !”