“Shit! Shit! Shit! Shit!” – When man discovered bears can climb trees as well
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Flex on the Average Person by eating 9 Spiders a Year
I accidentally answered my phone & panicked when I heard someone say “hello?” so I just did the best I could & made the fax machine noise.
“I’ve said too much already.“
“All you did was blink.”
“Yeah, but twice.”
[5 minutes after being trapped in an elevator]
Finally, an excuse to drink my own urine
Love will tear us apart. Also, bears, wolves and some other woodland creatures.
Just realized I haven’t fed my imaginary friends since a tea party when I was 6 so they’re all dead now.
NEW PARENTS: if your baby is still in diapers, make things simpler and safer by never having chocolate pudding in the house
ALERT
At 9:20am, I lost an apostrophe.
Last seen in the word “Let’s”.
If you see it, please send it home.
Its tweet misses it.
Anyone who thinks things have got so bad that they can only get better is showing a remarkable lack of imagination.
#SomethingYouDontWantToHear
Oops. The surgery went well but…..
Me: We spend a lot of time together.
Her: Turn left.
Me: Just think we should take this to the next level.
Her: Arriving at destination.
My vehicle’s anti-theft device is standard transmission.
Saying “I’m having a heavy period day”
– boring
– depressingSaying “bro my flow is crazy”
– dope
– could be a rapper
DR: Your cholesterol is high. What have you been eating?
ME: Mostly cholesterol.
There’s a washer, a dryer but not a folder.
Why are mobs always “angry mobs”?
Where are all the relaxed mobs and contented mobs and mildly pleasant mobs?
When Cookie Monster stays in bed and eats cookies all day it’s hilarious and adorable.
But when I do it, people are all, “Excuse me, you’re making a mess. You’ve been here for hours and if you’re not going to buy a mattress, you have to leave.”
Now that the coronation is over, perhaps King Charles will respond to my proposal for a noble quest.
Wife :’Darling, look. I haven’t worn this in 8 years and it still fits.’
Hubby : It’s a scarf!
Well your honor, I thought handing her the curling iron while she was showering would get her ready faster.
Telling my husband he got his days mixed up and my quarantine is actually another day so he doesn’t see how messy I’ve let this room get.
” So the boat was about to sink until I attached a sail to my boner and made it safely to shore”
Me if I was on the Titanic.
There’s aggressive driving and then there’s a parent who is late for a school drop off driving.
[mouse wedding]
PHOTOGRAPHER: Oh my God [closes eyes & rubs bridge of nose] Stop. Turning. Round. THERE ISN’T ANY ACTUAL CHEESE
Waitress: Is this your grandma?
Me: My wife.
Waitress: …
Me: …
Waitress: I am SO sorry.
*walks away*
Grandma: Nice one. High five!
DIVING INSTRUCTOR: Does anyone know how to defend a shark attack?
ME: I would say the shark was just acting on instinct & couldn’t help it
This is my cat’s medicine.
Nobody:
Neighbors: THEYRE ASLEEP LETS SET OFF ALL THE FIREWORKS
TV Ad: Do you wanna watch a show that smartly satirizes the complete corporatization of American institutions and skewers the bureaucracy of large companies? Watch “The Boys!”
Me: Heck yeah
TV Ad: Streaming now on Amazon Prime™️
Me: Wait a second
The person in the hotel room above me appears to be getting their 10,000 steps for the day in RIGHT NOW