I thought I liked salads…turns out, I like croutons and ranch dressing.
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If it wasn’t for my coworkers who arrive to work after me I would never know it’s been raining for 7 days.
ICYMI: Yesterday, MarineLand Canada sent the police to my house because I tweeted “Life is short. Steal a walrus”. Vid or it didn’t happen? Ok:
99% of my news comes from Twitter. All I know is that Adam Levine cooked a chicken in Nyquil and then called its body absurd?
If video games taught me anything it’s that you don’t need to work because there’s precious gems just laying around everywhere.
I’m awake but I object,
Digging through a box in the closet, I found a picture of me sitting on Santa’s lap. Hard to believe that was almost a year ago.
Fact of the Day: Lyrics can be used in a court of law as evidence.
That’s how Billy Joel was acquitted of arson charges.
I’m too young to always make noises when I bend down to pick something up off the ground
I’ve been repeating the same mistakes in life for so long now I may as well call them traditions.
[neighbour sees me walking to horse barn with a shotgun] did it break its leg?
[me pretty sure the horse saw me practicing moonwalking] yeah
Day 218 of making fun of CrossFit.
Clothes shopping with my 11 y/o daughter when she declares she would love to dress in more bright colors but “at the same time, I’m a messy eater.” It takes many years for some people to reach this level of self-awareness.
I once had a customer complain that her steak “tasted like cow.” I was so confused that I said, “Well, I sure hope so” which caused her husband to burst out laughing. She quickly shot him the death stare and I often wonder where she hid his body.
Salad is the decaf of food.
DOCTOR: when was the last time you exercised?
ME: *thinking about holding the thermometer under my tongue* dude you were there
sure, sex is good…but have you ever made a really efficient spreadsheet?
An app that lets you book a house without the owner’s permission, call it AirBnE
Back in my day teenagers didn’t vape or use social media. They befriended talking animals and solved crimes for the police.
Make sure you don’t forget the ‘R’ when you’re Googling, “movies of Gary Oldman.”
ME: I have to jet to the office real quick after breakfast, so—
FAMILY: We have a JET?!
ME: I meant—
FAMILY: Can we ride in the jet?
ME:
FAMILY: Is the jet invisible?
ME: Yes, that is definitely the case
Her: so tell me a fun fact
Me: the plural of octopus is really octopodes!
H: I mean about yourself…
M: …I know the plural of octopus
I find few things more alarming than a toddler with a permanent marker in her hand.
Me: Let’s go to Chipotle
Justin: Hold on. My leg is asleep
Me: *whispering* Oh, sorry. Let’s go to Chipotle
Going to keep letting animals bite me until I get super powers.
What kind of crime would I have to commit in order to get the FBI to come in here and dust?
Son of Sam I Am, a serial killer who targets people who won’t try new foods.
Her: WHAT?!
Him: *stops walking around* I said, do you like my new shoe horns?
“I’m in love with the shape of ewe.”
-Ed, shearing
[Fairground]
Son: Daddy can I have a balloon?
Me: If you’re good.
Son: Good at what?
Me: Buying your own balloons