the disturbing lack of time travellers arriving to stop 2020 happening suggests we never actually invent it
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[during sex]
Can I call my mom? She said this would never happen. Wait-will you call her? Tell her this is happening! She’ll believe you.
Keep your friends close and your enemies wrapped in plastic ready for that long drive to the desert.
Ambivalence is me knowing that I gotta fit into this bridesmaid’s dress but also that these ice cream flavors mix really well together.
USPS clerk: does the package contain any perishables?
me: ha ha no, he’s definitely dead
Me: *levitating, a jumble of furniture swirls chaotically around me*
Him: so, you still mad?
The wife: Thinking about getting a tear drop tattoo
Me: Ha, you’ve never killed anyone!
The wife:
Have kids so that you can remind them constantly about something only to have them look at you each time as if this is the first they’ve heard of it.
Sometimes I loiter outside of Victoria’s Secret just so people think I have a girlfriend.
Just gonna eat a cookie and reflect on this
My child has started writing raps and while I love her and applaud this development I wonder if she lacks the years of life experience the form demands
If you want to get more out of people, squeeze them really hard.
Fitbit: Time for a walk
Me: *walks to snack machine
If I’m ever snowed-in somewhere hope it’s a place that serves mushroom swiss burgers.
put on my eevee cosplay and my mom said i looked like a squirrel and took a picture of me in our yard and posted it in our neighborhood facebook group saying that the squirrels are getting larger this year and that someone needs to contact animal control
Life begins and ends with diaper rash, so enjoy the time in between.
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
UPS delivery tracking is like “your shipment is on a truck which is currently parked next to your house. Estimated delivery is 9 days from now.”
Scar: Now that I’m king, we have new rules. First, if you get sick, don’t take medicine. Just die and let the hyenas eat you. Secondly, no more elections. I’ll let you know if I’m still king. And lastly, if anyone accuses me of something, they should be thrown into a stampede.
Googling symptoms only tells you which diseases have the best SEO
I woke up to my wife fluttering her eyelashes at me.
I said, “Ok, what do you want?”
She said, “I want you to turn the ceiling fan down.”
I was going through an old keepsakes box of mine and found a 4 colored pen. I asked my 6 year old if she’d like to have the cool pen I used when I was a kid. Her eyes lit up, then I gave it to her and she frowned. “Oh, I thought it was going to be one of those feathers,” she said
Movie Trivia: Cloverfield was just Khloe Kardashian on a shopping trip in New York
Setting up a funeral business from scratch is quite the undertaking
I was having a good day until my imaginary friend stole my coloring book & crayons & he demands $100 for their return.
What a stressful day!
Why my coworker hates me:
He sends meeting invite for 2pm.
I propose new time of 2:03.
He revises, sends update.
I decline meeting.
wanton disregard: extreme lack of care for the well-being or rights of another individual
wonton disregard: using wontons as the target at a shooting range
In my daydreams I’m majestic, like a hippo ballerina, but in reality, I’m a rhinoceros breakdancer.
I’ve already had 3 people ask if I have enough wine to last me through the hurricane. Beginning to think I may have a reputation.