I’m just sick of the mixed signals, babe. One second you’re changing your phone number and the next you’re filing a restraining order.
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I wouldn’t want lesbian parents. Not because I’m homophobic. I just don’t want to get stuck in an endless loop of “Go ask your mother.”
I don’t care what kinda lighter you have, its fair game if its unattended. Unless its engraved, then I’ll give it back for Christmas.
[buying groceries]
me: do you think Jeff Bezos’ divorce will impact this place at all?
Whole Foods clerk: nah probably not
[1 year later]
Half Foods clerk: ok so I was wrong
I was wearing a jean jacket yesterday and a little kid asked me why I made a jacket out of pants and I had no good answer for him
5: mom! daddy is smoking a brisket in the kitchen!
me: daddy smokes meats outside in the smoker. If he’s in the kitchen, he’s burning a brisket
I won’t tell anyone if I win the lottery, but if I did, you’d see someone else cutting all this damn grass.
Woman cut me off, stole my parking spot. I honked, flipped her off and went into yoga. Woman came into class as the instructor. Namaste.
“What sins have you committed?”
Well…
[20 minutes later]
… finally fit my whole fist up there. I shit you not. Father?
*vomiting sound*
Day 4 of quarantine: I’ve gained 796 pounds.
If I was a judge, I’d keep a pile of walnuts with me on the table at all times. If I’m gonna use the gavel, I might as well eat some delicious walnuts.
If you have an enemy, recommend a bad salon, it’s the best revenge ever
The weather is turning so I’ve swapped out my daughter’s summer outfits for cooler-weather clothes and my son’s shorts for his other shorts.
If you don’t call ahead of time I won’t answer the door, but I don’t answer phones, so you see the dilemma.
If I say “Bloody Mary” three times in the mirror in the dark I get a free drink, right?
[cocktail party]
BARTENDER: *pointing at me* Mai Tai?
ME: no, it’s mine…it came with the suit.
A baby bear catches snowflakes.
[on phone with attorney]
HIM: you’re being charged for murder.
ME: damn that sounds expensive i guess you can just put it on my Amex
Women aren’t that complicated. They just want an honest and genuine guy who will give them insincere compliments they might not deserve.
The opposite of isolate is yousoearly. Please don’t block me.
I THOUGHT IT WAS AN EDIBLE
Pat is about to own someone
Dinosaurs never could’ve survived til the present day. Could you imagine a stegosaurus in a Honda Civic? It’d be totally ridiculous in 2017.
Did you know we only use 10% of our brains?
“Actually that’s a myth-”
This part is useless
*stabs fork in head*
See? Now florble arble guh
My teen says she is not able to wake up before 10 AM, so I’m going to make the most of this time…blow dry my hair, vacuum her room, test the foghorn.
In a bad place rn, not mentally just flying over Birmingham
If you drop a peanut in a shag rug forget it, let it go.
Him: What do you think this big nasty thing on my neck is?
Me: Your head.
Maybe hippos wouldn’t attack so many people if we stopped feeding them marbles.
I take my kids on vacation because I think it’s important for them to experience new and exciting places where they can cry for more screen time
You think if you die with a yeast infection, you’ll rise from the dead?