My husband is really not letting me live down that one time we got into a super big argument because I thought buffalo were extinct.
You Might Also Like
formal request for my funeral to be half open casket, with only my legs showing
West Side Story is great because it asks ‘What could be more horrifying than gang violence?’ and concludes that the answer is theatre kids.
I’m great at making pancakes and women uncomfortable.
*carrying dog*
Clerk: no pets allowed
Me: *closes eyes* It’s my seeing eye dog.
C: You tried that last week.
M: IT’S MY SEEING EYE DOG!
I just labeled the folder with my passwords in my computer bag “PW” rather than “Passwords” in case anyone wants me on their encryption team
Keep your friends close and your flamethrower closer.
I don’t lock my car doors, so if someone wants to steal my egg mcmuffin wrappers, Sonic happy hour cups and 47 cents, they’re welcome to it.
Starting a conga line is a great conversation ender.
Met a cute guy named Jack.
I grabbed his hand and dramatically said, “I’ll never let go, Jack!”
He quickly left. It’s okay though. My heart will go on.
The Gym is like Church. Everybody thinks that by going one hour, one day, they’ll erase what they did during the week.
[I dont get invited to a party]
me: shit
[I get invited to a party]
me: Shit.
If a woman wears a ponytail holder on her wrist at all times that means she’s always down to pull her hair back and fight you.
7: Mama, are you lonely when we go to bed?
Me: (Handle this like a great mom. Get the look off your face. Don’t laugh.) Of course, sweetie.
One day I’m going to cure blindness. You’ll see! You’ll all see!
Top 3 screwdrivers:
1. Tool for turning screws
2. Vodka and orange juice
3. Method of Uber payment
i love leggings with pockets because i can carry my keys, two chicken burritos, and remnants of my dignity
wife: we are doing christmas with my family this year
remembering how me and my uncle got in a fist fight over whether the grinch is british: that’s fair
I’ve just accidentally swallowed some scrabble tiles… My next shit could spell disaster!
To use Google efficiently, write like Tarzan. “good tacos boston”
*serious situation*
My brain:
Faces YOU Make ON The Toilet lol (o_o) (>_<) (0_0) (^_^)
I’m not saying one of my kids is “more difficult” than the others, but so far my oldest wants a remote control car for Christmas, the youngest wants a stuffed unicorn, and the middle one has requested a dinosaur egg so he can raise and train his own velociraptor from birth.
Love it when I see the sign:
“You must have been born before 1999 to buy tobacco products.”My oldest bra can smoke now.
[Folding my wife’s laundry after 7 years]
Pile 1 – I have folded these correctly
Pile 2 – I think I have folded these correctly
Pile 3 – I have no idea how to fold these
Pile 4 – I don’t even know what these are
remember the olden days when ambulances didnt have sirens and the doctors inside it had to make the sounds with their mouth’s
Drink lots of muppet milk to keep your fur soft and manageable and your eyes their googliest.
This Halloween, I’m going as the one thing more unsettling than a serial killer: someone interested in serial killers
Sometimes I rock it as a parent, other times I drop my phone on my sleeping child’s face while taking a picture of them. It’s called balance.
I did not “try to rob a bank,” I just “aspired” to obtain more money.
🙂🙃🥹