Apparently, we have unique tongue prints, just like fingerprints.
So quit licking my windows. I can find out who you are.
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My teen says she is not able to wake up before 10 AM, so I’m going to make the most of this time…blow dry my hair, vacuum her room, test the foghorn.
I wish forks had three prongs instead of four. I’d feel so powerful eating with a miniature trident. I want to dominate my food, not give it acupuncture.
As Elon Musk opens a huge underground tunnel in LA, critics question his motives after a Thai football team is seen wandering into it.
Shout out to the kidney bean, the trachea celery, the gall bladder peanut and other foods named after internal organs.
Useful cooking directions would read: remove package from garbage, read instructions, repeat
[the purge alarm blares in the distance]
ME: *adds a 13th item in the express line at the grocery store*
“This is a masterpiece!”
“This, too is a masterpiece!”
“Another masterpiece!”My dog, to every blade of grass in the same yard every morning while I’m late for work.
“Oh hello, I didn’t see you there!” – Translation: I have failed to avoid you
My husband just said, “I have a game I think you’d be interested in that I bet you haven’t heard of…
It’s called Wordle”
WIFE: no no no I loved your vows I just thought you could’ve used the word ‘bloodthirsty’ a little less
Parenting is watching a foreign object fly into your coffee, sink out of sight, and drinking it all anyways.
I like to reinvent myself every year, last year I was a small Italian woman and the year before that a bear.
Judging from my reflection in the mirror this morning, I too should not be fed after midnight.
The sex was going great until he questioned why I was making my storm trooper action figures kiss across his forehead.
My daughter asked me what a colonoscopy was so I gave her an honest answer. She learned about colonoscopies and I learned I need to be less honest.
One of my biggest fears during a zombie apocalypse is having to sleep without a fan
imagine a reverse pizza. the missing hole on the table where the pizza is meant to be. everything else is pizza. the solar system. the air.
Who are the people getting up and scanning QR codes off the TV??
I love when kids say moo cow cause what other kinds of cows are there besides mooing ones?
“Blood, Sugar, Sex, Magik” is a classic Red Hot Chili Peppers album, and also Criss Angel’s shopping list.
Time estimates:
“Give me one sec” – Within the hour
“I’ll be one minute” – An hour or two
“I’m on it” – Maybe today
“In a bit” – Sometime this week
“It’s on my list” – Perhaps this month
“Leave it with me” – Possibly never
“If I have time” – Never
[Séance]
*knock, knock*
ME: Wh-who’s there?
[ouija board spells out A-T-C-H]
ME: atch who?
[spells out B-L-E-S-S-Y-O-U]
ME: Dammit, Grandpa!
So then I said, “Spit on it first, then see if it’ll fit.”
…And that’s why my wife no longer allows me to help our son with puzzles.
Matt Goss
[To Police Sketch Artist]
Me: “Black female…
5’3ish…
Brunette…
Curvy but not fat. Athletic, I guess…
Good sense of humor…
No kids — no divorcees either. Umm.. Must like dogs?…”Sketch Artist:…
Me: “Why have you stopped drawing?”
I’m willing to go through a weeks worth of training at McDonalds just so I can say “Have a great McFuckin day” to people until I get fired.
I truly wonder what it sounded like when Medusa washed her hair at night.
My wife’s parrot is in love with some guy named Jeff lol
If someone is whistling they:
1. Just killed someone
2. Are on their way to kill someone
3. Are plotting to kill someone