I #respectfully #trot when you let me cross the street in front of you. I salute the #power of the automobile.
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Keep your fries close and your onion rings closer.
[Police Line up]
Cop: Please point to the one who cut your arms off
Me:
ladies, imagine this: its 15 years from now. u did it. your time machine worked
A guest dropped by my dirty house on short notice today, so I put cleaning supplies out all over the place. They were just for show.
Chipotle server: Quackamole is extra
Me: lol, you said ‘quackamole’
Chipotle server [who is a duck]: Please don’t make fun of my quackcent
to everyone who met me 5 years ago im sorry i was hacked
Auto mechanic: Well here’s your problem. The last person to work on this didn’t wash their hands after using the restroom.
just woke up from a terrible nightmare. was dreaming about a country called “britain” where people eat beans for breakfast and say stuff like “crumpet” and speak a barely intelligible version of english. thank god that’s not real
Coworker: How’s your worksite?
Me: I can see my work fine thank you.
Hot chick without makeup: her beauty is so effortless & carefree
Me without makeup: why is that very sick grandma not in a home
I bought a bug zapper fly swat.
So now I look like a madwoman swinging around a small tennis racket, shocking anyone who dares step in my way.
My boss always tells me to work my magic, but if I had magic he’d be on fire
brown rice can’t be THAT much better for you, can it? I ask because I don’t like it
me: time for some laundry 🙂
laundry machine: ok 🙂
me: ok time to dry 🙂
dryer: i’ve invented a new knot. it transcends humanity’s current understanding of geometry. and i am testing it for the first time on your sheets
She said: “I want to have your children.”
.
Me: “They’ll be on the first bus in the morning.”
Every day is a whodunit mystery when you have kids.
*maintains eye contact while slowly eating an unpealed pineapple*
Too bad my 20 year high school reunion was cancelled. My plus 1 was going to be the extra person I gained in weight since high school. Darn
me at 26: i am a hideous troll
me at 28: *looking at a picture of myself at 26* wow what beauty i once possessed but i wasted it because now i am a hideous troll
me at 30: *looking at a picture of myself at 28* guys, you’re not gonna believe this,
When a waiter doesn’t write down the order and someone in your group asks for no pickles and you know that’s going to be thing that wrecks it for everybody.
Role playing didnt go so well last night. She was the hot sexy teacher and I the rebel student..so I ditched class. Cause schools for nerds.
On behalf of everyone who works in an office, a coal mine, a fast food restaurant, really anywhere, I have decided to make it my mission to find out who coined the phrase “do what you love and you’ll never work a day in your life” and trebuchet them directly into the sun
No sadder relationship dynamic than my baby (absolutely obsessed with my 3yo) and my 3yo (continually tells us to throw her in the garbage)
Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.
My dog:
Remember when we thought it would be fun to grow up and have jobs? LOL
First date idea.
Pick your favorite pizza place, and send one to my house.
I don’t understand “standing desks.” Why take away the only good thing about a desk?
Me: Hey Google Home.
GH: You can call me Google.
Me: *batting my lashes* My, you certainly do move fast.
Women’s time is different. My brother and I are still waiting for my mom to come out of the grocery store when she said it would be 30 minutes. That was 1986