Twitter should come with a “MAY CONTAIN NUTS” warning when you open the app.
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why is it that if you say your favorite food is “spaghetti” you sound like a three year old, but if you say some shit like “vermicelli” i’m like “woah this guy probably goes to the opera”
I’m a Gemini. If you’re looking for someone who’s the exact opposite of me, just wait an hour.
Few people realize that before they were domesticated, the wild vacuum cleaner was the only natural predator of wolves…
Hence, dogs instinctive reaction to them today.
If you wish me a happy thanksgiving don’t be surprised if I whip out a ziplock bag and ask you to bring me home some leftovers.
If you hold a baby up to a light and don’t see the security strip it’s a fake baby
my retirement plan is braless
My family doesn’t know about the secret compartment under the floorboards where I keep my working phone charger, sharpies and toothpaste that I squeeze from the bottom
*raises the last pack of toilet paper to the sky like Simba*
Panic buying, kids off school, businesses shutting down, stuck in the house with your family for days on end…
It’s basically shitty Christmas.
I’m looking for a home with huge yard, tall privacy fence and a couple of sheds preferably one with a freezer that can hold two or three.
–me on house hunters
*pulls up to window*
Me: *on phone* Ok, so you want a chocolate shake also? Ok, I’ll get two then. *phone rings while its at my ear*
“Don’t kiss or snuggle backyard poultry,” CDC warns in salmonella alert.
Astronomer: hey look, a meteor shower!
Meteor: *scrubbing pits* a little privacy, perv.
Oceanography is all about current events
Back in my day, it was a game of dodge ball where you found out who didn’t like you.
H: Something’s wrong with you.
M: Yes.
H: No, like for real.
M: Yes, I told you that from day one.
H: But you were kidding…
M: Haha, no.
You can’t hurt me. You’re not a disappointing sandwich.
Nothing cuts deeper than an insult with bad grammar and a spelling mistake.
If you see your ex, wrap your hands behind your neck and pretend you’re making out with someone. That’ll show him you’re still crazy AF.
My mom used to feed me soap as a reward for saying bad words.
You can put a human being on the moon but you can’t make a button I can secretly hit on my phone to make it ring & get me out of small talk? *glare* PRIORITIES, People. Make it happen.
Does a sunset actually happen if someone doesn’t take a picture of it and post it on Instagram?
Wife: Can you take the kale chips out of the oven?
Me: Sure. Can you hold the trash open?
normal person: 9+7=16
me: if 10+7 is 17 and 9 is one less than 10 then 9+7 must be 16
My office has started random urine testing of employees to detect traces of hope or optimism.
COP: “How’d the pizza go missing?”
HIM: “It was the cat.”
COP: “There was no cat.”
HIM: “Someone broke in.”
COP: “The doors were locked.”
HIM: “It wasn’t me.”
COP: “There’s cheese on your nose.”
HIM: “I want a lawyer.”
*cops finds my loose floorboard*
Cop: What’s under here…
*they discover a lifetime supply of hot pockets*
Me: I’d like my lawyer now.
bank teller: I can’t read this note, it’s in cursive
bank robber: *angry boomer noises*
I don’t know about you, but I could really go for a punch in your face right now.
a good rule of thumb is to try to live your life in such a way that when you die, your funeral’s not drowned out by the world cheering