[caught hiding something in the garbage]
gf: are you eating hot wings again?
me: no
gf: oh really, then touch your eyes
me: god damnit
You Might Also Like
If I was hanging off a cliff for my life and you told me to take your hand I would stop screaming to tell you I’m afraid of intimacy
Me: Let’s try it have a nice weekend without any fighting, ok?
Hub: Agreed
Me: Wait, where are you going?
Hub: Fishing. See you Monday
I just realized that FFS stood for something and wasn’t just a sound people typed out when they were frustrated.
I’ll see myself out.
Welcome to your 40’s: the waitress is not hitting on you dude.
every Crock-Pot recipe:
– add anything you have in the house
– cook two to fourteen hours.
[when i invented the mirror]
oh look it’s that ugly guy from the pond
My credit score is a family of raccoons hissing over a McRib.
Motorway in Britain: “Go 40mph for a bit”
You: “Why? What’s happened?”
Motorway: “Absolutely nothing”
Last year I ate out alone on Valentine’s Day. To avoid embarrassment, I yacked the whole time with a lovely couple the next table over.
why did elementary schools just occasionally bring in a dude with a big snake. who was that man. what were his credentials
I’m trying to convince this guy that ‘jesus is the reason for the season’ but loansharks have a different perspective
*Makes joke on Twitter*
*5 Retweets*
*Makes same joke on Facebook*
*Loses job, girlfriend leaves me, disowned by parents, 1 Like*
My ex got married yesterday. Should I send them a card or just the screenshots of him trying to get me back when they were dating ?
Husband who is bathing dogs in the bathtub asked if I wanted to join them & I wish I could say this is the weirdest offer I’ve had all day
Dieting is when you eat foods that make you sad and leave feeling hungry still.
Drive thru window: Sorry, did you want fries with that?
My brain: He’s asking because you look like you eat a lot of potatoes
[trying to buy pants]
Clerk: Sir you need pants to shop here.
I was the only one wearing a mask in the supermarket this morning, so I made everyone empty their pockets.
Researcher: The data are wrong so I sent Jenkins to the lab to review the calculation-process-thingy.
Assistant: Algorithm.
R: No you stay here and help me.
My phone corrects “haha” to “hahaha”, so all my friends think they’re 50% funnier than they actually are.
Two princes?
I’ll take the one that wants to buy me rockets.
I feel as though most of my problems would not exist if I had just worked harder on that crane thing from Karate Kid
Everything that my lip balm is, I want to be.
Rich, Hydrating, and Age-Defying.
to discover what’s going on with justin bieber we caught up with his manager scooter braun, who is named after two different types of razors
Imagine the towering achievements in aquatecture if sawfish & hammerhead sharks ever get their shit together
48 degrees & pouring rain. My neighbor is out running because “it releases endorphins”. I’m eating M&Ms and tweeting on my couch because it releases indoorphins.
“You can definitely fit thru there…just get a running start”
~ whiskey
Ok but how old is your child in minutes?
I knew I saw you the moment I laid eyes on you
HBO gave me unrealistic expectations about how many woman would be named Siobhan