Forget about whether or not you have curves, real women have brains.
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Thankful public education taught us Algebra instead of how to do taxes. Because 2 things are certain:
1) Death
2) The Pythagorean Theorem
Alarm clock set for 6:00 am
Bladder set for 5:54 am
My husband ran for 30 minutes on the treadmill. He’s told every other person on earth and I didn’t want y’all to be out of the loop.
[Verizon]
SALESMAN: Can I interest you in our friends and family plan?
BATMAN: [just starts crying]
Me: You look amazing with glasses.
Her: OMG thanks
Me: *removes my glasses* But not so much without.
Dear #Athiests
Evolution could never design and create a machine that consumes scraps and produces bacon
[airport security]
*BEEP*
Ma’am, step through again
*BEEP*
Nice try pal, I’m not removing my Slayer shirt
Ma’am, please it’s too much metal
Grocery clerk: sir please stop
Me: *smashing eggs with my fist* none of these are ripe
[making the first boat]
“How do we get across this river?”
ME: we gotta build a boat
“What’s a boat?”
ME: that’s what we gotta figure out
the worst thing ever is when you go to the dentist after ten years of not having insurance and the dentist is like why did you let this get this bad?? i don’t know bro why do you charge $20,000 for an x-ray
“Despite my best efforts, my hot air balloon just isn’t going to fly.”
“Dude, that’s a bike with a blanket on it.”
“My best efforts.”
Genesis is my favorite rock group who’ve been around long enough to write a chapter in the bible.
Excuse me officer, I have diplomatic immunity.
*Shows International House of Pancakes loyalty card*
Photoshop is turning 25 years old this week. Actually, it’s 35 but just looks 25.
Just made an appointment with a cardiologist. Don’t be alarmed, I’m sure all my cardigans are fine. I just wanna make sure they fit.
My kid talks a lot of shit for someone who bites his finger whenever he eats fries
me: please don’t be mad
getaway driver: what’s wrong
me(left the money in the bank): nothing let’s go
My kids keep asking for a cat, so tonight we’re watching Pet Cemetery.
priest: Good Friday
jesus: i’ve had better
DETECTIVE: Are you the new chalk outline guy?
ME: Yes I am
DETECTIVE: Stick to the bodies, no more thought bubbles with spaghetti inside them
ME: Eve-
DETECTIVE: Yes, even if they were thinking about spaghetti
Mere moments after taking screen time away from my 6yr old as punishment I realized my grave mistake, the person really being punished was me.
[gets found guilty of murder]
[sentenced to 3 years of listening to Pitbull on repeat]
[appeals]
[gets sentence reduced to lethal injection]
‘what goes on inside your head?’ nothing i wanna be a part of
My office has started random urine testing of employees to detect traces of hope or optimism.
[Airport security]
Guard: Your flight leaves in 5 minutes
Centipede: No problem. I’ll just run. I have 100 legs.
Guard: Remove your shoes
[being murdered]
me: hey are u Scottish
murderer: actually i am
me: then i guess u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]
[Playing poker]
*Takes my college diploma out of my wallet, unfolds it and slams it on the table
I raise you 125k
Me (texting): Help I’m in the pantry hiding from the murderer
Murderer: Probably shouldn’t have used speech-to-text
Afraid of sharks? Simply wear a string bikini in the ocean – you’ll be so busy trying to keep it on that you’ll forget that you’re swimming amongst gigantic murdering fishies