8 year old said “Don’t take life too seriously everything finds a way” then I freaked out because I didn’t know there was a kid in my apartment
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My son would never be living in my basement as an adult. He’s smart, ambitious, hard-working, but most of all, he knows the WiFi down there sucks.
Women aren’t complicated. Just give us attention and leave us alone.
So your kid can speak 3 languages?
That’s great. Mine can speak lizard.
Cop *pulling me over*: alright, is there anything I should know about?
Me: heart attack symptoms of men and women differ a lot. Men have chest pain while women mostly feel nauseous
Cop: awesome, see, I didn’t know that. Have a nice day
It’s the point of the night where I either keep my drunk friend from making an ass of herself or just tape it for youtube.
Me: I’m a mature adult woman who can handle anything
Also me: *has to pack my blankie wherever I go or I can’t sleep*
“They say children learn by example, even for potty training.”
-I explain to my horrified neighbor as my son and dog poop on the lawn
With the holidays upon us, please dont forget what they stand for. Family, friends & punching strangers at the mall because they cut in line
7yo: You know if you didn’t have kids you could turn my room into a tea room.
So now we know her plans after I die.
Oh hey mom. Yeah the date went fine, I think she liked my jorts bc she kept glancing at them
Like anyone has time to sit there and read 12,412 product reviews on Amazon.
[8 hours later]
Yeah, I’m def not buying this pillow.
The difference between running and jogging is that runners compete in races and joggers find dead bodies on Law and Order
I love how this restaurant keeps a fish tank by the front entrance so I can just reach my hand in and eat a fish on the way out for free.
Chess with Australians must get so confusing.
“Check, mate.”
“Naw mate, that’s just a check.”
“That’s what I said. Check, mate”
OH AND JUST FYI…. THE BAGS UNDER MY EYES ARE LOUIS VUITTON
When there’s a forklift accident they have to put the forklift down because once a forklift gets a taste of human blood…
Piers Morgan has taken a very strong stance against guns, and who can blame him?
If you had a gun, you’d shoot him too.
Bank robber: This is a robbery! Nobody do anything stupid!
My wife slowly turns to face me and mouths: You are gonna die
do u think regular glue guns get jealous of the hot ones
“Will you stop CHOKING?”
First Aid in my house, apparently.
Don’t mistake my kindness for weakness. Sweating and panting while trying to open this Amazon package, however…
Her: Look…I asked you to fix this damn cabinet 3 years ago.
Me: For the record…you did preface it with “When you get a chance…”
So it turns out you can eat cranberry sauce when it’s not Thanksgiving and nothing happens. You don’t get arrested or anything.
internet flirting is all fun and games until someone buys a plane ticket
Signs you’re a full fledged adult:
• You choose restaurants based on the availability of parking
• You pay attention to the weather now
• You have at least one mole you’re keeping an eye on
• You have a favorite stove burner
• You don’t give af what’s “cool” anymore
Interviewer: What’s your greatest strength?
Incredible Hulk:
Int:
Hulk: Is that a trick question?
It’s 3am and my neighbor across the street is sorting two garbage bins full of cabbages on his front lawn. Whatever gets you through the night, man.
I’m not superstitious, I’m just kindastitious!!!
People may question my parenting methods, but my kids have made it to 20 and 22 without becoming serial killers. Or, if they have, they’re super good at it. Either way.